Whirlpool

In all the doom and gloom I thought it would be good to post up funny things that happened in the workplace.
Ill kick it off...
At our servo around 5am, a drunk bloke goes around and takes all the large plastic bin lids across the road. Stacks them in a pile. Comes back and grabs reams of paper hand towels, stuffs them below the lids and sets fire to the whole thing.
on cctv we watched as 5 big bin lids went up in flames haha
Took police and co about 50mins to come and put the whole thing out, pretty random...:)

At Target some dude was having a trip, he had taken something whack like extacy or shrooms or something. No one saw him take anything, but he was there 10 minutes after we closed dancing whilst reading a book he stole claiming to be the store owner.

When CS (Counter-Strike) was really popular I was playing alot (At home) and visiting some forums (At work), they guys at work changed my host file and redirected me to a webserver after copying the html and with was around the 911 incident and they said on the website CS was banned because it was terrorist related. Hilarity ensued, I bypassed their block but couldn't work out what was going on.

We changed DNS for a forum someone at work spent 95% of the day reading to goto www. playboy.com he stopped pretty quickly from visiting that site. Then came in the next day saying he could access it from home and was asking other forums members if the site was hacked ha ha.

Also run speakers under a co workers desk and use one of the sound boards for fart sounds to play loud fart sounds at the exact moment he sat down.

After attending to a rail accident at a level crossing and seeing the car in a twisted mess 20m from the line, we were standing there thinking when are the Fire brigade going to start hosing down the area and the guy next to us said, "That's my car".

We shook his hand and said, "We don't get to shake many hands in this job".

mce writes...

We shook his hand and said, "We don't get to shake many hands in this job".

Funny and feel good. I like it.

I was working at a certain electronics store in a shopping centre a while back. We sold those smoke machines for theatres etc. The instructions said that it wouldn't set off smoke alarms, so we thought we'd have some fun in the mall after closing time. Guess what... the instructions were wrong.

10 minutes later 7 fire trucks pulled up – not happy Jan.

I used to work in Target in a pretty rough area some of the funnier ones I have heard or seen
A customer was off her chops on something pretty strong and was threatening in the kitchenwear department to kill herself. At the time the lady in charge of kitchenwear was quite a big lady and sat on the woman to get her to give up the knife and stayed there until the cops came.
Another one we saw was we had the big yearly toy sale and had a display with scooters and pushbikes a group of kids aged between 10 and 15 came up and stole all of them (about 8) riding them out of the store so nobody could keep up with them ( that is until the security guard turned off the automatic doors to the shopping centre.)

Last week my boss sent me out on site to upgrade the RAM on two machines. Upon removing the machine and placing it on the table i sat down at a chair in front the table to find out it was broken.... 10 minutes later i found myself flat on my back on the floor.... oh dear. A new chair was meant to arrive the next day apparently...

mce writes...

We shook his hand and said, "We don't get to shake many hands in this job".

Are you a paramedic or something?

haha classic stuff, we once had the Chaser team storm our office singing 'afternoon delight', my friend thought it was ACA doing some sort of expose so he ducked under his desk. The funniest part was however when they finished and had to awkwardly stand around waiting for the lift down...

ALSO i was working a corporate reception once and after trying out the company wide PA system for the first time (to get someone to move their car) I couldnt hear anything, so thinking it wasnt working i started singing 'comfortably numb' into it, as one does.... i quickly got a call, turns out all 200 staff heard it, you just cant hear it in the reception area =p

Working at Macca's a woman comes to the counter and asks for a whopper. The rest of the other customers and I start laughing, as one of them points out she is at the wrong shop. She then storms off to HJ's. (In a food court by the way)

I work in medical practices. At one practice we had a front entrance for patients and a back entrance for deliveries.

We had a very sick-looking and emaciated patient who spoke no English come in for an x-ray in the company of a relative as an interpreter.

Unfortunately the woman died on the x-ray table before anything was actually done so we had to move her body to a more private room to await the police and the coroner. The relative stayed in the room with her.

When the police and the coroner arrived we ushered them to the private room ... but when we got there the body was gone and the relative was nowhere to be seen.

The police and the coroner started to question whether the person was actually dead and one of our doctors confirmed that she was quite dead but that we had no explanation as to where the body or the relative had gone.

To cut a long story short, it turned out that the relative telephoned other relatives on her mobile and let them in via the back entrance. The relatives took the body to their Mosque (apparently the patient was Muslim and that they have special ceremonies that need to be performed as soon as possible after someone dies and on top of that she was an illegal immigrant that had been using someone else's Medicare card).

The police and the coroner went to the Mosque to demand the body back but the Mosque wouldn't hand her over ... eventually the police and the coroner won after much back and forth together with a court order ...

For a very brief period I worked as a cold caller booking people into dubious investment seminars over the phone. Basically, we were encouraged to really inflate the merits of the event and make it sound more RSVPish than what it really was, ie. talk about the credibility/importance of the guest speakers, the "free" money advice and the refreshments.

I must've managed to secure at least 30-50 (I lost count eventually) placements simply by stating that Warren Buffet himself was going to make a guest appearance at the event as he touches down in Melbourne from South America on his way to Singapore. The others around me started copycat calls after noticing my success rates and used bogus claims involving other gurus like George Soros, Jim Rogers and even the late Jesse Livermore.

It was one of the worst jobs ever – no accountability at any level and completely disorganized. The mucking around helped us to retain our sanity. Saddest thing was when one girl broke down and started to sob in the middle of a conversation. Bad memories. The times were shitty too – 4pm onwards. And, as per usual, more Indians than a Bollywood film fest.

Not job related but once I lined up in maccas and the dude infront ordered 200 chicken nuggets... LOL!

"Are you sure you want 200 chicken nuggets"

The same sentence was repeated like 20 times by the ordering staff, the supervisor, then the manager came out and said the same thing word for word.

Set all the alarm clocks to go on during the managers morning walk (6:30 or 7:00AM, not sure) and there was at least 20 of them.

Started laughing at a woman that said she couldn't work on Sunday because she had church — she actually did have church.

Was asked where sharks are at an African Zoo :|

unwired writes...

Unfortunately the woman died on the x-ray table before anything was actually done

How is your story "humorous", your disgusting to think that kind of thing is funny.

Delusional Duck writes...

How is your story "humorous", your disgusting to think that kind of thing is funny.

Is there humor in karma catching up with illegal immigrants using Medicare?

Tim.

Delusional Duck writes...

How is your story "humorous", your disgusting to think that kind of thing is funny.

I laughed hard, are you saying you didn't?

Delusional Duck writes...

How is your story "humorous", your disgusting to think that kind of thing is funny.

HAHAHAHHAHA – Don't think i've ever laughed so hard at a forum post. The story wastn that funny, but your responce was gold!!!!!

hahaha I laughed to. I don't see what isn't funny about it.

Delusional Duck writes...

How is your story "humorous", your disgusting to think that kind of thing is funny.

Geez and you wonder why people give you a :(

Lighten up

mce writes...

We shook his hand and said, "We don't get to shake many hands in this job".

Delusional Duck writes...

Are you a paramedic or something?

Quadriplegics carer? ;)

Okay that was low, let me redeem myself with a story from my previous workplace:

I used to work in an Optus store in Brisbane City (Elizabeth Street), and we would get the occasional wacko – you gotta expect that when you're open late fridays! One incident I remember was during the day though; there were only two staff out the front, myself and another guy. I think the rest of our crew were handling stock out the back (or having a coffee and a chat – it was before the lunch rush). I had just sat down with a customer and was upgrading his handset, copying contacts etc, when a 'couple' came into the shop and started casually browsing. The young woman began talking to the other rep, and the other half of this 'couple' was hovering over the cases on display.

The store owner happened to be in the shop, out the back, and chose that moment to pop her head up the stairs and take a look at things. A few minutes later, the young lady had the info she wanted and left, her 'partner' scurrying after.

Mrs. Owner came up and stood behind the counter, seemed to think for a second, then put down her coffee and strode purposefully out the door of the shop. Sure that SOMETHING was going on, though we didn't know what, my colleague and I leant out the doorway of the shop to see Mrs. Owner catch up to the couple at the corner about 20 meters away, and got a good grip on the guy's arm. Now, this is the kind of woman who is usually the most generous, kind and pleasant person you'd have the privilege of working for, but cross her and WATCH OUT. This fellow was no shrimp, but he wasn't going anywhere. We had trouble hearing what was said next, but I assume it was along the lines of "So, how are you paying for that?"... or maybe "Have you considered a career in living art? I think you'd look good as a pretzel." *twists arm* lol.

As it turns out, this genius had stuffed a beanie-style phone cover down his pants before leaving the shop – I think it took a few seconds to register when she saw it happen. It gets better though; first he tries to GIVE IT BACK (ugh.), and then when it's made clear that isn't an option, he reveals that he has no way to pay, and his 'girlfriend' has to pick up the tab =)

I put 'couple' and 'girlfriend' in quotes because I don't think he 'got any' for a while after that – the girl looked pretty infuriated by the experience.

It's funny when you see how people deal with situations outside of the day-to-day happenings you're used to. :)

(It was about $25-30 not one of the cheapo ones)

Someone lent in to take money from my cashier drawer at Safeway while another guy held my arms back, so I kicked the drawer shut with my foot and broke 3 of his fingers. He screamed like a little kid who wasn't allowed to buy a Kinder Surprise.

APersonOutThere writes...

Someone lent in to take money from my cashier drawer at Safeway while another guy held my arms back, so I kicked the drawer shut with my foot and broke 3 of his fingers. He screamed like a little kid who wasn't allowed to buy a Kinder Surprise.

that's called winning :)

coorrel writes...

Not job related but once I lined up in maccas and the dude infront ordered 200 chicken nuggets... LOL!

"Are you sure you want 200 chicken nuggets"

The same sentence was repeated like 20 times by the ordering staff, the supervisor, then the manager came out and said the same thing word for word.

Just charge the guy for 200 nuggets, and if he pays for it, then you can be sure then that he really wanted 200 nuggets. Does it really take the manager of the store to come out and do this???

cakesy writes...

Just charge the guy for 200 nuggets, and if he pays for it, then you can be sure then that he really wanted 200 nuggets. Does it really take the manager of the store to come out and do this???

+1 One of my stoner mates sometimes orders that many at a time for a marathon smoking/ gaming session.

I sometimes order 60 :P but only because I am weird and like them cold and they give me a discount if I order that many.

As for my story – Working up north as a geologist doing exploration drilling we had to work with some dodgy (and I mean dodgy) backend redneck drillers. As anyone with a basic knowledge of drilling or construction would know – there is a big sump pit at the site where all the sludge and oil and black shit gets dumped. As the sites we were working on had alot of oil shale and coal the muck was especially disgusting. Anyway little did I know that there is a sort of initiation process involved with these guys where if you are a new guy just starting work for them well... basically they will put you headfirst in that sump pit :P it was funny seeing this new young guy start as an offsider and getting dumped. He was covered head to toe in the most disgusting foul smelling industrial sludge imagineable for the rest of the day lol.
I'm glad it never happeend to me :P You would probably assume that there was not much supervision on the site... but there were senior drillers that were in on it to...

Delusional Duck writes...

How is your story "humorous", your disgusting to think that kind of thing is funny

Its almost a Fawlty Towers type scenario (I suppose it all depends on how old you are)

I could imagine the police dragging you off to the nuthouse!

Which maccas was that at, it could have been me...

I've been known to get drunk, win money at the casino, wander to maccas and order 50 cheeseburgers or a hundred nuggets or something like that. Weird looks sometimes, but I pay first, and they just keep bringing them out as they get cooked up.

Its better when I've got a group of half a dozen friends, if its just me i'd probably only get 50 or so nuggets or a dozen cheesburgers. It's only painful in the morning.

If you were to order that many , you should just buy them yourself and deep fry them
Much cheaper and actually a lot nicer

One of the electrical sub-contractors did some work in our Data Center one day. The apprentice being an apprentice, on the way out of the Data Center, hit the big red button labelled 'EMERGENCY SHUTDOWN'! Afterwards, he said that he thought it was the button to press in order to get out of the DC.

Major noob, to this day he hasn't been back. Wonder whether he retained his job or not.

hahahah aww man....that's classic. I accidentally hit the emergency button under my desk with my knee when working for the government and police promptly rocked up.

We decided to test the panic button in our shop one day – what's supposed to happen is we get a phone call from the security company within say 60 seconds and if we don't answer then they send a squad car... It didn't work lol

The button wasn't wired up correctly – good thing we tested it! :p

MatthewQ writes...

if we don't answer then they send a squad car...

What the! Squad car! is it safe to assume you don't work in a small business? :)

Delusional Duck writes...

How is your story "humorous", your disgusting to think that kind of thing is funny.

I thought it was funny, another illegal alien got owned for using a fake Medicare card seems hilarious to me.

whybother writes...

I thought it was funny, another illegal alien got owned for using a fake Medicare card seems hilarious to me.

Hi

i am not condoning use of fake Madicare card, but a death of human being is not funny anyway. I just hope if peoples understand sensitivity of this.

On other side, I have understand that when dealing with death become routine job in certain professions, they some how become immune to sensitivity of the subject and do find fun on. But they should understand that outsiders would not be able to appreciate it.

I've managed to set off distress alarms at two of the four offices I work at by accident...they're all silent so you wont know that theyve been activated. One was encased in a case that looked like a phone plug while one was just a black plastic with red grooves in it...the last one was at the casino and suddenly security came in ..i then admitted and they reset it (then again I knew some of the security staff since they know my brother who also works as a camera surveillance operator)

Mavericks, are you perhaps mistaking 'squad' for 'SWAT'? ;)

I should clarify – they (the security company or switchboard) would notify the local station that they were needed at our location, and since at any given moment they're within 100-250m of us, they might not need the car :p

APersonOutThere writes...

so I kicked the drawer shut with my foot and broke 3 of his fingers

can't the thief sue you for "purposely or knowingly causes bodily injury" or "assault"?

at work we got told to left our light on at night therefore the Burglar won't get injury while preforming burglary and won't sue the company for "unsafe work place"...

whybother writes...

I thought it was funny

You were wrong.

The dying one wasn't a laugh out loud like you've just seen your mate get kicked in the nads humour, it was a strange, black humour, wierd series of events, also imagine being there and while you might have been pretty saddened by having witnessed it imagine the shock when all of a sudden there is a dead body missing in the back room lol, I reckon its pretty funny.

zombies? ILLEGAL ZOMBIES!?

DreamOn writes...

ALSO i was working a corporate reception once and after trying out the company wide PA system for the first time (to get someone to move their car) I couldnt hear anything, so thinking it wasnt working i started singing 'comfortably numb' into it, as one does.... i quickly got a call, turns out all 200 staff heard it, you just cant hear it in the reception area =p

I was once volunteering to do to PA for a small church. The pic at the sound desk wasnt working so I started swearing into it our of frustration. You f$%@ing pick of S$#%, etc... the musicians up front gave me graved looks. Turns out the fold-back speakers at the front did have audio coming through. LOL

Back in my technician days, I used to assess/process the faulty LCD's that came back from customer sites.

I remember one screen that came back as a supposed DOA (which was strange since we tested the monitors upon delivery from the vendor, as well as on-site prior to installation).

When we got the monitor out of the box, we saw the issue... someone had started writing on the LCD with a ballpoint pen their 'things to do' for the day....

We found out later that it was a sweet old lady who was getting her FIRST computer at the company... poor dear

NVeer writes...

We found out later that it was a sweet old lady who was getting her FIRST computer at the company... poor dear

Now thats funny but not a surprise. We constantly get things like this. Eg. someone inserted a mini-cd into the Floppy Drive and wondered why it go stuck. We get asked to move a whole FLOOR of computers and then when we finished we get told in 2 months time they are moving again.

Funniest thing I can remember was I interviewed this guy (I'm not usually on interview panels). The question was 'your at a computer and the client is reporting its not connecting to the network'.. His first answer was 'I'd jiggle the network CARD!'. So in other words, he'd open the PC and jiggle the NIC. He had to be prompted in every question. Stupid manager still hired him and needless to say he didnt know what he was going.

We once hired this other guy; He was asked to do some field support and travel via the company vehicle. We got into the car an my mate and I said 'you better drive to get to know the place'. He go into the car, looked at the automatic gear shifter and asked 'what is that thing?'. My mate said 'get in the back' and he drove the car. Then he went out by himself and he came back 30 minutes later. He told us he cant get out of the car park, and doesnt know how to open the gate [which you pull up to and it auto-opens]. After we explained it to him he drove and hour past the site he was meant to visit and called us saying he was lost. Now he was with us at the site least 2-3 times beforehand.

anonymousmoose writes...

After we explained it to him he drove and hour past the site he was meant to visit and called us saying he was lost. Now he was with us at the site least 2-3 times beforehand.

Say again? I got a headache trying to read that :(

tipusultan writes...

but a death of human being is not funny anyway.

Which was no way the intended focus of the story. It's obvious the the humourous bit was what occurred after the death and not the death itself.

Delusional Duck writes...

How is your story "humorous", your disgusting to think that kind of thing is funny.

Ahh, the "Make a Realistic Wish Foundation" issue strikes again!

MrvNDMrtN writes...

Say again? I got a headache trying to read that :(

Sorry,

Basically he went with us onsite about 2-3 times so he should have known the location of where he is going. But when he took the car by himself ended up driving PAST the building an kept going for about and hour before he called us saying he was lost.

phoenixthesmeg writes...

Which was no way the intended focus of the story. It's obvious the the humourous bit was what occurred after the death and not the death itself.

Agreed!

tipusultan writes...

but a death of human being is not funny anyway.

There are plenty of comedies that revolve around death. I think people being left in a scenario where they have a deceased client that has suddenly gone missing is very funny. Especially when it turns out that the reason the body is missing is because the family have rushed to carry out the wishes of the deceased before the police arrive.

At the place I used to work at, we had cubicles. One of the guys connected a USB keyboard and mouse to the guy "over the walls" PC. For about a month, at random times he would move the mouse, or turn on caps lock. Drove this guy bonkers!

(If you're wondering why he didn't notice the cables, this was an engineering firm, so there were cables running everywhere).

Kinda juvenile, I know, but I have a phone at work which shows who is calling, but the guy "over the wall" from me doesn't (just has a regular phone with no caller display). I frequently call him and then hang up, just as he picks up the phone.

On my way to work I saw a Sudanese girl walking with a computer on her head. About an hour later I got a text from a friend at the computer shop saying he just had a girl walk in with a computer on her head.

cakesy writes...

Does it really take the manager of the store to come out and do this???

It's McDonalds, do you need to ask that?

Gnuthad writes...

It's McDonalds, do you need to ask that?

Indeed, I think a vast majority of managers in maccas etc must have no idea or just not give a crap in who they hire.

cakesy writes...

Does it really take the manager of the store to come out and do this???

Yes.

Any orders that are $120 or above need manager authorization.

gtrxu1 writes...

On my way to work I saw a Sudanese girl walking with a computer on her head. About an hour later I got a text from a friend at the computer shop saying he just had a girl walk in with a computer on her head.

Thanks for the lol. :)

.

APersonOutThere writes...

so I kicked the drawer shut with my foot and broke 3 of his fingers

Makky C writes...

can't the thief sue you for "purposely or knowingly causes bodily injury" or "assault"?

That.

You have some rights, to do what is 'reasonable', to escape injury yourself, and use 'reasonable force' to protect yourself or others from harm, but when it comes to protecting your property, the law on what you can physically do is so fuzzy it's ridiculous... There have been cases where a guy wakes up to find some teenagers in his house, he chased them out and caught one, and restrained them by sitting on them I think, until the cops came and then he was charged with assault and deprivation of liberty – for trying to protect his kids (how could he know if they wouldn't come back, and even what they were there for – they could have been dangerous).

Unfortunately common sense is not a mandatory ingredient in the injustice system – people like you (drawer-kicker) and this guy I just mentioned get jailed etc while other courts are letting known predators of all kinds loose due to stupidly weak sentencing etc.. okay </rant>.

Not my story, one of my friends used to work in a sex shop in Toowoomba :)

Anyway, one time (he used to get all types) this guy came in and bought a blow up doll :) He then left, came back 30 minutes later and the blow up doll was broken.

He had gone to a service station and attempted to use a tire inflator on the blow up doll.

He also wanted his money back :)

Window cleaner came round to our store once, and did such a sparkling job that a customer somehow missed the four metres of clear, unobstructed doorway and walked SMACK! into the glass. (Never mind that the doorway is HUGE and that there were printers in front of the window- but I guess the window cleaner really knew his stuff.)

It was slapstick gold- fortunately he wasn't hurt, but he left this face imprint on the glass- the smudgy outline of a nose and mouth. My boss handed me some Windex to clear it up but I was laughing so hard I couldn't even stand up straight :P

coorrel writes...

Not job related but once I lined up in maccas and the dude infront ordered 200 chicken nuggets... LOL!

"Are you sure you want 200 chicken nuggets"

The same sentence was repeated like 20 times by the ordering staff, the supervisor, then the manager came out and said the same thing word for word.

lol, did he really want them?

On the topic of McNuggets, a customer once walked into a fish n chip shop where I worked and ordered 14 dozen sea shanties (crumbed seafood bites slightly rectangular and like essentially fried seafood stick equivalents). He wanted the order in 30 minutes as he was in a hurry to go interstate. Once we got the order wrapped up, the owner enquired as to the reason for the abnormal order. Turns out the guy was going interstate to have a vet look at his mum's cat and the only thing that animal would eat was sea shanties!

zpreme writes...

lol, did he really want them?
Well they made him pay first then told him to wait at least 40min. Didn't exactly see how much it costs but it was funny as everyone in store was surprised by that order.

lol funny story, anyway after all this nuggets talk, i got really hungry so i had to do a late night maccas run.

coorrel writes...

Well they made him pay first then told him to wait at least 40min. Didn't exactly see how much it costs but it was funny as everyone in store was surprised by that order.

Having worked at macca's this order woulda been really crap to fulfill.

If i remember correctly there is about 45-47 nuggets in a bag and each lot takes about 10 minutes to cook.

There are usually 4 VAT's, 1 for mcchicken, 1 for nuggets, 1 for filet-o-fish and 1 for apple pies. You shouldn't really put nuggets in any other VAT other than the designated VAT so if the schoolboy did his job right it woulda taken 40-50 minutes depending on the amount of nuggets he had ready.

Anyway, I digress, it woulda cost 10 x 20 Pack so 10 x 9.95 ~= $100.

I worked at a supermarket. We had several incommign lines so from one of the lines I would dial the shop number while someone was close enough to hear. I'd answer the phone as if it was a customer ( talking to myself ) and then say to the person standing near me "It's your mum she want's to know what time to pick you up tonight" then quickly press the intercom button so the phone was an intercom to the whole store and all thought he store you would hear

"Mum I told you 7 0'clock" then "Mum...mum are you there....hello"

Then they would see me laughing and realize the whole shop heard.

Rezian writes...

all thought he store you would hear

"all throughout the store you would hear" perhaps?

Yep ;)

Xray story has a tiny bit of humour if you don't take it seriously. Nuggets is pretty damn funny. Heres mine.

So I worked in a Big (T)elecommunications shop in Sydney, i didn't know it at the time but there was a mental institution nearby. It was christmas time and the big christmas rush was on, and we had these so called "christmas trees" that were basically styrofoam balls painted orange to look like trees, or a stack of profiteroles.

So this guy walks in and is looking around the shop his carer/minder is getting helped by one of the shop attendants, i'm helping someone else and i see out of the corner of my eye this guy looking dodgy, like he's about to take something. So here he is looking left, right, up, down, left and right again making sure no one is looking and bang! he goes in and puts his face near these orange styrofoam balls, and eats one!

So the guy serving the carer, and most of the staff see this, and just starting pissing their pants. The carer turns around see's this and starts freaking out. The carer did see the funny side and was laughing but screaming at the same time. Thats when we found out there was a funny farm near by (explained a few things).

I still have the video to date. If ever i need something to cheer me up thats the video I go for!

tipusultan writes...

i am not condoning use of fake Madicare card, but a death of human being is not funny anyway. I just hope if peoples understand sensitivity of this.

Someone dying may not be funny, but the staff trying to explain where the body is to the authoriites is.

I used to be in the Airforce and like most people in the forces we had plenty of time to do nothing. Anyway my boss asked one of the staff to go down to warehouse and get a bottle of K9P anyway off he goes the boss makes a call ahead of him and gets warehouse to say they dont have any try the mechanics shop this goes on for a couple of days. Eventually he gets sent to the doggies section were the guard dogs are kept. He is presented with a clear warm bottle with a yellowy liquid in it (at this point the penny dropped K9 pee). It had instructions on the label that it was good for tinia and keeping smaller dogs from your yard.

veriton writes...

It had instructions on the label that it was good for tinia and keeping smaller dogs from your yard.

I just love the attention to detail ROFLMAO :-)

Years ago I witnessed a relative minor traffic accident (no one was hurt) anyway this motorbike cops pulls up at the scene & as he slowed to a stop (about 3-5km/h) he hits a spot of oil on the road & naturally the front wheel of the police bike washes out.

He knew he didnt have a hope of saving it so quickly swung his leg over & stepped off it, took 2 steps to stop & get his balance & comes face to face with the car driver, reaches in his pocket & flips out a note book & asks for anme & address.

The driver is pointing at the bike laying on the road & his mouth is working but no words coming out, finally he says "but but your bike" .......... the copper says "dont worry about the bike I always park it like that"............ now name & address please sir.

veriton writes...

my boss asked one of the staff to go down to warehouse and get a bottle of K9P

Like hazing apprentices, go and ask for a 9" population tool.

It wasn't very humourous for me (I had to help clean up), but I was working in Woolies on New Years Eve when a guy (who was probably blind drunk) came in, grabbed something stood in line for about 5 minutes shouting incoherently at everyone else in the line, and then when it was his turn to be served, pissed on the floor and walked straight out with whatever it was he grabbed.

We had called the cops after he started to shout at everyone, but they were busy elsewhere and only turned up about 5 minutes after he left.

The Icey One writes...

one of my friends used to work in a sex shop

A little OT, but reminds me of an old Billy Connelly skit. Try to imagine this exchange between a sex shop worker and a customer returning a blow up doll.... spoken by Billy with his Scottish accent.

Customer: "She went down on me!"
Shopkeeper: "What? You didn't buy that model! That'll be 10 quid extra."
Customer: "No nooo... I gave her this wee love bite and she went psshhhh pssshhh"

Back in uni days working at the big T in the retail shops:

Speaking with an older man and a young attractive girl. She left at some point, and when needing her identification I asked when his daughter was coming back. Turned out to be his wife, making the rest of the transaction somewhat awkward.

Another time an odd looking blonde came in to get some help with her phone. She first made us make sure there were no images on there, before leaving it with us to see why her text messages weren't working. After running through some tests I went into a previous message (honestly by mistake). Turns out she was a dominatrix by trade, so I can see the importance of clearing her pics and video :)

coorrel writes...

The same sentence was repeated like 20 times by the ordering staff, the supervisor, then the manager came out and said the same thing word for word.

Are you sure that this wasn't on 1 April, before 12noon? It sure sounds like it to me.

One thing's for sure, it's one helluva expensive way to buy a whole chicken.

yeah at one place i worked the boss hired his daughters boy friend--bad mistake--he was a stirer--the boss went to the toilet every morning at 9am--you could set your watch by it.
this morning when he went we laid traps for him--he had to come out pass 2 door ways--so heres what we did to him
1st we went into the womans toilet and the water tanks were held by 2 water pipes going through the wall--so we ran a hose from the hand basin to the pipe then set 2 traps outside the toilet--the 1st one a 6 pack esky full of water on a string to set it off over the 2nd doorway a garbage bin full of water we filled up with the firehose---so 1st the water in the pipe trick--while he was reading his paper in the toilet---he went off at that--swearing---then he came out and the young dude pulled the string and the boss side stepped most of it--just wet his shoes a little---he was saying you bastards when walking out the 2nd doorway when i got him with the full garbage bin---got him big time--totally soaked at 9.10 am,
he went home to get dry clothes--but he was cool with it---it should not have put his daughters boy friend on the payroll as i would not thought about doing that but once the idea had been made i made sure it was a good one.

SuperDude writes...

ace i worked the boss hired his daughters boy friend--bad mistake--he was a stirer--the boss went to the toilet every morning at 9am--you could set your watch by it.

WTF that isn't funny that is immature and childish

That is stupid, I would of fired you.

h45e writes...

That is stupid, I would of fired you.

Agreed, sounds like a dumb idea you make up with your mates in high school, but never really pull off because you're too much of a coward/have some sense of intelligence/not in a trashy American movie.

Omicronian8 writes...

SMACK! into the glass.

I actually walked into a glass window next to a door of same size it broke & i needed stitches in my leg .

It was summer & there were none of those stickers that are on most windows in businesses.

But by the time i got back from the hospital the glass had been replaced with glass with circles on it as a warning :(

I had a lame ass solicitor who didn't want to do anything about it even though a staff member @ the business said others had done the same thing :(

One of my mates was working week nights midnight to dawn shifts @ at service station i worked the weekends .

He had a drunk woman drive in with 2 flat tyres from running into a gutter .

She asked him to use the phone to call some friends to help her he be the good samaritan type let her then realised that she had shat herself & had it on her hands when he told her she licked her arm thinking it was chocolate or something like that :)

None of her friends would come to her rescue.

Meanwhile he is trying to get a customer to go over the road to another servo to call police before mobile phones existed eventually police came & took her away .

After police have left he finds her car parked down the side of the building with this huge crap in drivers seat windows closed this is in the middle of heatwave in Adelaide :)

He spent ages with various products try to sterilise the phone from crap on it.

True story!!

I had a woman come running in asking to use the phone on a day shift @ the above servo just wearing a towel she needed to ring fire briagde as her son had set fire to her house whilst she was in the shower :(

I work in a sawmill, but anyways.

When i first started we had just got a "new" tip truck to throw all the shit wood away with. Anyways, dads showing me how to drive it, and then he reverses onto the fire heap (we burn all the bad timber/offcuts, etc etc etc etc), so he reverses onto the fireheap, where the fire is actually burning at that moment and offloads all the shit on the back. We start driving along and as the wheels are turning i see one of them is on fire.

I tell dad and so we pull up and put the fire on the tire out, but then notice that the back tail light had melted away and was still on fire, lol, so he threw some dirt on it and we were back on our way.
To this day, theres still a big black burn mark and a melted tail light on the back of it.

Rotten Ronnie writes...

I actually walked into a glass window next to a door of same size it broke & i needed stitches in my leg

That's terrible- and pretty remiss of the store if it had happened before :(

The store I was in, however, had a massive shopfront with no doors whatsoever for a stretch of 4 metres (it was a store in a shopping centre) so it was almost impossible to hit the side windows (so I thought).

Since I'm posting again though, there was another customer once who rang up wanting a small television- except apparently computers and televisions made her feel 'sick' with their electromagnetic fields, and further more, picking up any sort of remote made physically ill as well. So she wanted to watch television without using a remote or touching the TV, and since computers made her ill as well I couldn't recommend a TV tuner.

Sigh.

Omicronian8 writes...

That's terrible- and pretty remiss of the store if it had happened before :(

Agreed it was an office building & i was couriering came down the stairs smack into the window :(

Omicronian8 writes...

here was another customer once who rang up wanting a small television- except apparently computers and televisions made her feel 'sick' with their electromagnetic fields, and further more, picking up any sort of remote made physically ill as well.

I wonder how thunderstorms made her feel? Remote controls don't use enough power to generate a decent RF field, and use infrared to talk to the tv anyway... Conclusion: customer is nuts :-)

Could have tried selling her a projector I guess? Screen size is variable...

Remember when KFC had breakfasts? One morning the manager didn't turn up to open the store – just decided to quit and not tell anyone. Staff had to wait for over 2 hours for another manager to arrive.

While we were waiting, we had to turn away dozens of customers as they came to the front doors, and stand in the drive-thru to inform people in their cars of the problem.

Customers had a really really hard time comprehending the info that the store was closed. Some of them got really angry with us – 15 & 17 yo kids! People getting agro over pancakes? We just ended up trying desperately not to smirk and asking them to calm down and head for the Maccas 100m down the road.

asterisky writes...

Remember when KFC had breakfasts?...

If I was 15-17 and working at KFC I would have just left to do better things. If the manger won't turn up why should I?

exta writes...

If I was 15-17 and working at KFC I would have just left to do better things. If the manger won't turn up why should I?

You get paid for it without having to do any actual work :D

I sold a guy some magnets up in Darwin, he brought them back a few days later wanting a refund because they wouldn't stick to his boat...

...turns out it was an aluminium boat...

We had a guy working with us let's call him Steve to protect the innocent, nice guy but a bit sub-optimum for the position. Steve lives out Collingwood Park way which is near Ipswich about 30 mins drive from the Brisbane CBD in good traffic. Steve only likes to travel via the Western Freeway to everywhere because he gets lost easily.

A job comes up and we need 2 people on site the next day at 7.30 in the Brisbane CBD. Make arrangements for a reliable guy and Steve to meet at East Brisbane (a suburb about 10 mins in peak hour from the CBD) at 7am and only take one car in.

Come 7.05 and reliable guy is waiting at East Brisbane, no Steve. Reliable guy calls Steve, Steve is not sure where he is. He followed the Western freeway for a while and may have missed the turn off.

At 7.15, reliable guy calls Steve again. Steve is still driving but doesn't know where he is but is driving near a river, suggestion is made for Steve to stop at a servo and ask for directions.

At 7.30, reliable guy calls Steve, no answer, reliable guy leaves voicemail telling Steve to meet him in the CBD at the job site. Reliable guy goes straight to job.

Steve calls reliable guy at 7.50, tells him he is at the Port of Brisbane (the docks, about 25k's past the CBD). Turns out he was at Breakfast Creek, saw a sign that said Port of Brisbane -> and thought he was heading towards Brisbane CBD. Reliable guy says find a way to the job and get here now.

Steve turns up at the job at 9.30, he parked his car in South Brisbane and walked over the bridge. At end of day, reliable guy gives Steve a lift to his car, only Steve doesn't know where he parked and they have to cruise street after street looking for Steve's car. When they find it 40 mins later, Steve has a parking ticket.

Steve wrote his car off a few days later doing a u-turn in front of another car.

True story.

asterisky writes...

staff had to wait for over 2 hours for another manager to arrive.

So you don't have procedures. Noone could step up. What a bunch of losers

MoFo writes...

So you don't have procedures. Noone could step up. What a bunch of losers

Their procedures probably don't include breaking and entering.

Clamburger writes...

Their procedures probably don't include breaking and entering.

Forgive me, but would you have staff waiting 2 hours outside? Is "THE MANAGER" the only one with access?

EDIT thought Macca$ was 24hrs these days

Back OT staff waiting 2 hours outside would be funny, if you were a psychopath

MoFo writes...

Is "THE MANAGER" the only one with access?

Normally yes. My wife used to work at kfc. If a manager doesn't show, they have to wait for another one.

MoFo writes...

So you don't have procedures. Noone could step up. What a bunch of losers

lol -you can't give the key to the "eleven secret herbs and spices" to just anyone.

talk about lack of procedures.

I once worked in an office where we were all given electronic "keys" to get in, and one morning there was a blackout and no one had a physical key to unlock the door.

2 hours later, just when the pub on the corner opened up, the power came on and we could eventually get back in – boo!

E??D?S27 writes...

they have to wait for another one.

in the snow?

I hope they get paid

.

I once worked in an office where we were all given electronic "keys" to get in, and one morning there was a blackout and no one had a physical key to unlock the door.

Same here, but we had enough people who could 'bypass' that system

xTIMx writes...

The rest of the other customers and I start laughing,

you are lucky she didnt slap you for laughing at her

APersonOutThere writes...

WTF that isn't funny that is immature and childish

your name isn't colin and a ind.chemist by chance
no it couldn't be as he thought it was funny later when he was dry--worth doing worth doing right--lol

i suppose as long as you knew your boss would see the funny side its ok.
still not funny though

coorrel writes...

Not job related but once I lined up in maccas and the dude infront ordered 200 chicken nuggets... LOL!

"Are you sure you want 200 chicken nuggets"

The same sentence was repeated like 20 times by the ordering staff, the supervisor, then the manager came out and said the same thing word for word.

What maccas was that? I've ordered 200 nuggets before.

Its not as impressive when you explain its between 8 people.

ContaiN writes...

What maccas was that? I've ordered 200 nuggets before.

Its not as impressive when you explain its between 8 people.

25 Nuggets Each!!! I can barely stomach a quarter pounder meal...

maybe we should start a 'biggest meal' thread haha

MoFo writes...

Same here, but we had enough people who could 'bypass' that system

Same here except when they fitted the door, the latch plate was not installed. So the now apparently useless prox cards could simply be inserted into the lock, push back the tongue and presto, open door.

Our property guys were not in managements good graces that day.

EvIlPaNdAs writes...

I still have the video to date. If ever i need something to cheer me up thats the video I go for!

Cool. Would you mind torrenting it?

I saw a lot of crap back when i worked at target

A huge drunk lady with lots of tats was in the store at the end of the day and nobody wanted to ask her to leave because she was massive and we were scared she would snap us (she ended up asking on of the other staff members if they would be her friend)

And I don't know if theres something wrong with me, but seeing a little boy trip over his own two feet and faceplant took me all of my self control not to laugh out loud

EDIT: Once a customer tried to return something that had come on special the and buy it again at half price, manager served her and turned her down. She comes back a second time and gets served by someone else and she returned it as faulty (she broke it on purpose) She cames back a third time and an off-duty police officer got in queue behind her and she started crying

I used to work in a bank (one of the big 5). This old fella comes in wanting to add his "new wife" to his accounts. He would have been like 60 years old and she would have been in her early 20s. She was Asian and spoke hardly any English (think mail order bride). I promptly added her name to his accounts. Two weeks later she comes back and she informs that her husband died. So I removed him from his accounts. She ended up being the sole person on all of those accounts. Lucky her, after a couple of weeks of marriage she ended up with everything. She didn't seem very upset at all.

OzChick writes...

She didn't seem very upset at all.

Probably took her a lot of courage to step out and do it...

I used to work for a large supermarket. I was cleaning up the health isle and a couple come down the isle and the boyfriend/husband went off to look at condoms and lube and the wife approached me. She was enquiring about bandages and I shown her where they were located then she begun asking me questions like if they tore easy or if they caused clotting/hurt your wrists.

It didn't click till after they left and I couldn't control my laughter :(

When I was working in fast food eons ago, we had a new trainee manager (she was quite attractive) start at our restaurant. On one shift, one of the guys from the kitchen was on his break, ordered some food, and then headed for the lunchroom. The doorway to the lunchroom was situated beside the sinks, where our new trainee manager standing doing some wash-up.
The guy, who was walking into the lunchroom, was so busy checking out the new manager, that he walked straight into the doorframe of the lunchroom, causing his tray of food to go flying into the air in front of the trainee manager and all of the kitchen staff. The big fella went red from embarassment, because the trainee manager knew exactly why he smacked into the doorframe. Busted!

Another fast food story. I was on a closing shift with a couple of girls, about 18-19 years old (I was 16). They had invented a game to "play" while working in the kitchen on slow nights. Whenever the door buzzer went off, we would take turns predicting who the next customer would be, as follows:

*ding dong*
"THEY HAVE HERPES!"

*ding dong*
"ANAL RAPIST!"

You get the idea. It was hilarious watching whoever served them trying to keep a straight face.

Normally we would try to keep it down, but then the shift leader yelled out "IT'S A TRANSVESTITE!!!!". And the female Area Manager walked in. She was the sort of person who would be offended by that description of her looks, if you know what I mean...

MoFo writes...

in the snow?

I hope they get paid

Just to clarify MoFo:

This happened in Brisbane – there was no snow. I made no mention of snow. But if we had waited in the snow, it probably would not have been very funny, true.

KFC had breakfasts over 10 years ago, hence my intro of "Remember when . . ."

Only managers are able to open the stores.

Staff stayed because otherwise there wouldn't have been anyone to work in the store when it eventually did open.

Staff got paid for the 2 hours.

We were not a bunch of losers.

The humorous parts, IMHO, were:

a manager, who is supposed to be responsible, just decided not to turn up to work one day; and

some customers were extremely annoyed, even though an alternative (and many would say better) source of breakfast was available 100 metres away.

I'm surprised and sorry that my post bothered you.

Working on the IT helpdesk and recieved a call from a lady asking me to do something pretty unusual.

Servicing the request I left my desk, went to her floor, walked into her office to the man working with her, told him (trying to keep a straight face) that his fly was undone and immediately walked out again.

That was the support call.

He must have been thinking how the hell did I know.

Used to work in a servo in a dodgy area on Friday nights. There was a kid and a bunch of his buddies who had been serial pests for about 2yrs – always being done for theft and the like. They always hung out in the carpark drinking and smoking. They were total dead heads.

One night, he comes in and was so off his face on something he could barely complete the transaction. I practically removed the money from his wallet for him and placed it back in his hands, then closed his hands over the money! After he left, I said to the dude I was working with (we had 2 people for security), "I think that kid is stoned tonight."

Someone in the shop who must have known him went outside and told him what I said. He comes in and says, "mate, did you say I was stoned." I reply, "Yea... I did actually." He then proceeds to tell me that he and his buddies don't touch drugs. I burst out laughing at him and said "mate, either you're so incredibly drunk you can hardly walk or you're on drugs – does it make that much of a difference either way?"

He then stood in the doorway death staring me for AAAAGESS. I looked up and had a bit of a laugh periodically. Anyway, he ends up getting so infuriated at my lack of response to his intimidation he calls his buddies and they all ran inside – he abuses me, his mates start trashing the place. They smashed the till computer, the register display, the EFTPOS machine and so forth. As they proceded to smash some other stuff, I screamed, "if you guys don't stop this right now I'll come out there and snap the lot of you! I'm not standing on a box back here!" (I'm 6'8"). They didn't respond, so I called out to the dude I was working with, "LOCK THE DOORS NOW" and threw the security door open and stepped out from behind the counter. They absolutelly FREAKED out and yelled "RUN!!! He's locking the doors! RUNN!" AHAHAHA. They took off like the devil himself was after them :D

Having been a pest for 2yrs, the kid didn't return to the place for 8 months after this incident! And when he did I served him and was very stern – he was as meek as a lamb.

If only they knew I'm so demented I couldn't have taken them on even if I actually tried. Sometimes size can be deceiving (fortunately). I'm lucky I didn't get disciplined for breaking protocol.

m0ndo writes...

Servicing the request I left my desk, went to her floor, walked into her office to the man working with her, told him (trying to keep a straight face) that his fly was undone and immediately walked out again.

LMAO got a good laugh from that

I was remote connected to a user today...
He had a desktop shortcut icon for his show desktop feature.
How did he get it there and has he ever used it.

Middle Child writes...

I was remote connected to a user today...
He had a desktop shortcut icon for his show desktop feature.
How did he get it there and has he ever used it.

Took me a while to get what the funny part was... then I realised.

Middle Child writes...

How did he get it there and has he ever used it.

I see that all the time, just random dragging and dropping. I'm completely lost without that little icon, been using it since IE4 was released.

I imagine users double clicking it on there desktop and thinking "It doesn't even do anything."

Funkstick writes...

I see that all the time, just random dragging and dropping. I'm completely lost without that little icon, been using it since IE4 was released.

I imagine users double clicking it on there desktop and thinking "It doesn't even do anything."

There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, unless you are one of those special people who need to have all there windows maximised. Put one of those in the top corner, or in the cornet of your second display, works out great. Always have all corners clear.

So seriously, do you guys just have no imagination or what?

RealAusTech writes...

One thing's for sure, it's one helluva expensive way to buy a whole chicken.

There's chicken in mc nuggets??

Nick Thepom writes...

There's chicken in mc nuggets??

lol If it tastes like chicken, it *must* be chicken, right?

Why do you need an icon to show desktop when you can use "windows+D"?

Nick Thepom writes...

There's chicken in mc nuggets??

0.o

Miv79 writes...

Why do you need an icon to show desktop when you can use "windows+D"?

How about when you are using the mouse, and doing something with the other hand? Is that possible?? Sheesh, you people really are hanging onto that, aren't you. Just because you can't think of a reason... is your fault, rather than ever having anything to do with reality.

cakesy writes...

and doing something with the other hand?

lol.

The internet...the art of one handed typing.

Miv79 writes...

Why do you need an icon to show desktop when you can use "windows+D"?

When you're connected remotely to a PC and the remote control program doesn't send winkey commands to the remote pc, so you end up getting to your desktop when you were wanting to get to the desktop on the pc you're controlling.

I used to work part time as an electoral officer with a federal Senator.
I mostly did some work on his website and that sort of thing. Security at
electoral offices is fairly sound, they generally have a door with a pinpad
to get in past the foyer into the actual office.

I'm there one day and the receptionist has gone home for the day, and there's someone at the door. Sitting at the receptionist's desk, I look for the button to buzz them in through the door. I see an unmarked button sitting there on the desk and go ahead and give it a jab. It doesn't work so I hit it a couple more times in frustration, before giving up. I get up and go open the door like a not lazy person would do.

A few minutes later, there's someone at the door again. It's the Australian Federal Police, and that button was a panic button to be used in case of emergency. The coppers had come blitzing to the office, sirens and flashing lights all, and were not pleased to find out that the explanation for the frenzied button pressing was not, in fact, any danger to the Senator, his office or staff, but in fact me thinking there was an easier way to open the door. Not my finest hour.

Boredaussie writes...

that button was a panic button

Ouch

Classic slapstick moment about 15 years ago when I was working in a bureau de change. This was located inside a travel agency, and the air conditioning had failed.

The company had called out an a/c technician to fix it up. The tech himself could not be more your steriotypical Irish tradesman.

The chap gets up on his ladder, opens up the vent at the ceiling and pulls out what looked like a hose. He mumbled something in a thick Irish accent about there usually being some sort of blockage & put his eye to the pipe... then ... you guessed it, this great gush of water came flooding down the pipe, unsteadying him from the ladder and causing a soaking mess all over the place, it was hilarious.

The manager sent us all home early whilst the shop was cleaned up..!

When I was 16 working at Blockbuster video, a large guy in a singlet came up to the counter, a stack of dvds in one hand and his toddler in the other.

When i was scanning them through I noticed he had about $300 of late fees on his account – when I asked him if he'd like to pay that now he got pretty agitated and said that his kids had been using his card to hire dvds.

The manager decided to waive the fees because

a) by the looks of this guy, getting $300 from him wasn't likely
b) the store was packed, friday night, and we didn't want to create a scene etc

We helped him set up a password on his account and he apologised, everyone was happy.
He started to walk out the door when his toddler spewed all over the counter, all over the floor, and all over chips/lollies rack...

There was dead silence while all the customers froze in shock and looked at the guy. Not sure what woulda been going through his head right then but he decided to run for it.

I remember one time I was working on a Governemnt Helpdesk in parliment house looking at the Premiers Secretaries pc. At the time Coca Cola was running a promotion where you could win a substantianable amount of money from just looking under the cap.

The premier came in with a 600ml bottle of coke, took the lid off, spoke to his secretary, it was a cramped area I saw him put the lid in his bin without looking under the cap. The premier left to back to parliment and so did the secretary so I went rummaging through his bin to find his cap and his secretary came back and was real upset to find me going through his rubbish bin.

No prizes under the cap:(

Boredaussie writes...

that button was a panic button to be used in case of emergency.

If it makes you feel better, these things go off all the time where I work. It gives the people who are paid to come running, something to do.

Middle Child writes...

He had a desktop shortcut icon for his show desktop feature.

I actually have that. I somehow deleted the the one in the quick launch bar (or whatever the hell that thing's called) and the only way to get it back was to link it to another shortcut to the desktop, which just happend to land ON my desktop.

So yeh, funny, and a stupid thing to do – but it's more lazyness than anything ;)

And I don't use windows + d because I find it's an unnatrual finger position and not one my hand automatically flicks to :P

And so this is slightly relevant:

In my office there is a lady (sweet, older sort of lady) and she's in charge of keeping the tea/coffee/sugar/biscuits stocked in the kitchen. They are locked up so the rare idiot on the floor doesn't steal the jumbo corporateexpress sized pack of biscuits (it's happened!) and she's in charge of the key.

One day she misplaced it, everyone looked for 3 days to try and find it (those people love their biscuits!), and just as someone got called in to break the cupboard open, someone found them in the freezer.

She still doesn't know why she put them there, but we've never let her forget it.

At one place I worked at (software development shop), one of my colleagues loved to do randomly do handstands outside his office and then 'walk' up and down the corridor – he was quite strong and pretty good at it. One Friday, though, after a few beers he wasn't as coordinated as he shouldn't been, and 'tipped over' in front of the bosses office. His feet went through a glass window (fortunately it was safety glass, so it broke into those non-damaging chunks), and he got stuck there ... meanwhile the boss came storming out of his office, furiously brushing little pieces of glass off himself ... he'd been covered with it when the window was smashed. My colleague, part-drunk, still upside down and wedged awkwardly through the smashed window, was then given quite a dressing down.

The rest of us, drawn to the scene by the noise of breaking glass, managed to wait until the boss took his first breath during his tirade before we exploded in laughter.... and, sadly, my colleague never risked doing any walking handstands ever again...

I asked a guy to check if a there was a SCSI cable plugged into a server at a remote location. The fellow was part of the Desktop Support team. I was on the phone with him and asked "found it?". He said, "I'm looking...". I waited about a minute and said "Do you know what a SCSI cable is?". He said "Ummm, no". It should have been funny but at that place it was the norm.

Like the time a switch went down in our entire head office. Our office was across the city (10 minutes walk). I wasnt the network admin and about 30 minutes later I went upstairs to the canteen area. I saw the network admin sitting there (5X year old guy). I said "are you aware the switch in the entire head office went down (200+ staff)?" He replied "coffee and smoke first". He died year later of lung cancer (but thats not he funny part!). Great guy just always prioritized his smoko and coffee

Platinumcs writes...

his toddler spewed all over the counter, all over the floor, and all over chips/lollies rack...

Aww . . . and then he took the bolt! You'd have a hard time NOT running, wouldn't ya?

You've reminded me of another KFC story. You know how the smell of the chicken hits you like a brick wall when you walk through the front doors? Well, it can be hard to handle, if you're feeling a bit queasy. One time a little girl 5-7 yo felt it a bit too much, and just as her parents started ordering, she vomited.

It was rush hour, the service area was very crowded. Just as I'd grabbed a 'caution wet floor' sign (which was closer at hand than the mop, and took care of the most immediate danger) and taken it out to the service area, another customer spewed in reaction to the sound / sight / smell. One more had the foresight to rush to the restroom before he let loose, but he still made a bit of a mess. And when my manager brought out a mop and bucket to try to help me clean it all up, she started gagging too.

This chain reaction all happened within 3 minutes. The parents of the little girl were mortified. They felt so bad. My manager was embarrassed that she couldn't help. But absolutely none of the customers left. Maybe to spare the feelings of the little girl? And more importantly, none of the customers had eaten the food before they got sick.

I get to laugh because I had to clean it up.

asterisky writes...

I get to laugh because I had to clean it up.

If you threw up aswell you would of got out of cleaning duty!

One day where i currently work i was walking down the corridoor and could hear profanities coming from the ladies bathroom (Males voice). I kept walking and then peered into the bathroom to see the maintenance man standing on the bathroom bench with his hands up inside the roof. There was brown liquid which i could only assume was poo that was running down his arms all over his head, face and body. Needless to say i just kept on walking haha

This thread is so good!

Reminds of a recent incident. My company does remote desktop support for a lot of specialist medical practices. There was this practice whom i've been having a hard time with and finally i get to speak to them. We use logmein, and as i was on the phone with her.... i said "Bear with me for another 30 secs and i will be be able to see you"... i.e her desktop.

After logging in i exclaim "Ahaa... there you go" and she replies "Oh gosh, can you see me know???....". I was like excuse me??. She repeats "Can you see me know?... its a bit busy today here isn't it".

ok, this is/was really embarrassing.

many years ago i was having a conversation with a co-worker across the room & taking in everything that was been said. Both our phones rang seconds apart, during which time i was still listening to what was been said, including their telephone greeting.

I answered the phone as "good afternoon (company name), this is... 'co-workers name".
Oh sugar i though right as i said that, realizing what i had done straight away.

My co-worker is a member of the opposite sex, and i just used her name!!!
Just glad it wasn't the then girlfriend that thought we were having it on together!!!

I once had a customer who wanted to return a TV she purchased because it did not match her curtains.

She wanted a refund until it was pointed out to her that if curtain matching was so important, one would have thought she would have brought in a swatch when she purchased the thing.. :)

She was allowed a store credit and swapped the tv for one that did match her curtains.

josh2074 writes...

I laughed hard, are you saying you didn't?

+1

Nick Thepom writes...

There's chicken in mc nuggets??

Are you telling me that there is other than chicken nuggets?

in the spirit of fools trying to obtain refunds, I thought this cracked article would be quite fitting :)

http://www.cracked.com/blog/call-center-transcript-of-me-returning-a-comfort-wipe

gh! writes...

I thought this cracked article would be quite fitting :)

http://www.cracked.com/blog/call-center-transcript-of-me-returning-a-comfort-wipe

Hope the office of fair trade doesn't get a look at this – they might feel a smidge redundant. Admirable tenacity.

I used to work for a television station as a "IT Support Officer" while I was finishing Uni.

My job was really easy, basically refreshing desktops and doing the relevant backups etc.

Anyways, one day the last machine I deployed was for a Digital Audio Workstation. I finished pretty much at 5pm on the dot.

The support procedure generally meant that all employees called the help desk but in this case the lady I replaced the computer for called me the next morning.

"My computer is not working, Ive been sitting here for 20 minutes and all I get is some sqaure boxes on the screen".

Sounded pretty dodgy as it was a brand spanking new hp and NT4.0 was working fine the day before.

I ran down thinking there might of been a corrupt video card but lo and behold the "coloured squares" were the test pattern on the monitor.

Turns out this woman had been turning off her monitor for nigh on 5 years when she left home every day. The woman forgot to turn the PC on this case and just assumed that it was a new computer problem.

I simply bent bent over and pressed the power button.

Needless to say she went red purple.

While working at MSY:

A customer smashing his keyboard on the concrete in front of 20 people because he was refused straight swap for 11 month old keyboard. Instead of waiting couple weeks for replacement with brand new keyboard he chose to /ragequit.

Other time cops had to be called to remove some crazy guy who bought a router the day before and returned next day claiming it was wrong version and not wanting to accept 15% restock fee. After he abuse us for a while we just tald him to take a hike.
He thought it be good idea to block business to get his point across so we called cops.
Stupid as he was he stoped yelling at us and decided to take on 4 cops that showed up.
You could hear after few min cops yelling at him along the lines of "if you dont shut your trap we'll lock you up" Never saw cops or guy again :)

gh! writes...

http://www.cracked.com/blog/call-center-transcript-of-me-returning-a-comfort-wipe

That site is freaking hilarious. Unfortunately, I've wasted a couple of hours now. :(

When working at Kmart a few years ago I was on the night fill team doing a midnight to 9am shift.
After a long boring night we were all out back dock, finishing up when one of the new guys came in (who had just started the day shift) looking all upset because someone had done poo in the auto section and he had to clean it up.
Naturally we all thought we were way too tired and didn't hear him correctly so we went to investigate. Sure enough someone had done poo in auto. They had also managed to step in it and leave a few foot prints.
As we were leaving the store in hysterics (hey I was a teenage boy!) a lady stopped us and asked where the poo was. One of the guys we were with managed to gain composure and point in the general direction. She quickly ran off in search; her 2 y.o. son tailing behind her looking rather pleased with himself.

lol... these are great...

I got a few from my days in at safeway liqour...

1. this is on like my 2 week at the job – drunk guys comes in and asks for a toilet – i informed him that we didnt have one for the public and the nearest one was at the servo across the road... dude jst stands there looking blankly at me for a minute then i realise he has just pissed his pants in front my my register... i was like WTF .... called grocery to clean it lol...

2. I was walking out of liqour to the grocery section of the store and noticed that someone had laid a massive shit in the middle of the walk way right near the registers... i was like wtf – how could someone not have seen someone take a shit there!!!

3. At another job i had my manager reduce some guy to tears on the phone for being an unhelpful git.

4. When i left my last job – not gonna mention a name but lets jst say its one of the countries largest automotive companies – they forgot to get my security pass off me and to deactivate my clearnace so i still have access to the buildings and carparks across the state:D

DukeXL writes...

2.

LMAO!

EvIlPaNdAs writes...

I still have the video to date. If ever i need something to cheer me up thats the video I go for!

you should youtube it. i need a good laugh.

My favourite was when the underbusy help desk monkeys discovered one of our PA's on RSVP

Multiple new identities were set up to court her, mine her for info online! Great Fun.

Was walking out of my building last night and there was a guy in the park [I cross to get to my car] walking with 'water' running from the front. I first thought he was toying around with a bottle but then he turns and his penis is sticking out (lucky I was a fair distance away). He just kept walking and pissing... was quite funny. This was in full view and its a buys park, mom/kids/elderly.

gh! writes...

funny things that happened in the workplace.

IIRC I saw a thread on here some time ago where someone turned up at a Telstra office wearing a cap with Telstra logo and '3gb' written on the front, therefore being under a Telstra 3gb cap.

Years ago there was a whirlpool'ish special.

Something on the lines of "I signed up for Telstra Bigpond, and all I got was this 3gig cap"

I think I still have the cap somewhere LOL

This story comes from MANY years ago when I first started work in Port Kembla. We had an engineer on staff who liked a bit of a tipple around Christmas time. Public servants were very staid back then – all the suit and tie brigade without exception. Heading our Department was the Chief Engineer who was staidest of the staid. Anyways, a verrrryyy merry local engineer answered the switchboard during the party and started singing a Christmas carol down the phone. Chief Engineer on the other end growls "DO YOU KNOW WHO THIS IS?", local engineer twigs and says down the phone "Yessir, do you know who THIS is?".

"No."

*click*

:D

Yabbie writes...

At the place I used to work at, we had cubicles. One of the guys connected a USB keyboard and mouse to the guy "over the walls" PC. For about a month, at random times he would move the mouse, or turn on caps lock. Drove this guy bonkers!

Did that one also, and we used macros to lodge data into the system and if it is put on the wrong screen, it messes up the computer, had a ball, he ended up calling IT and complaining about it, they couldn't work it out either so we had a bit of fun with him over that one.

I work at an insurance company in the claims department, it is hilarious when we get a customer on the phone and they start giving their details ie car rego number and we can't find it, then get their name, again no go, and then after about 10-15 mins of them bitching about how I can't find their policy, they finally go and get their paperwork and then come back saying isn't this such and such, and we have to go no sorry, you have called GIO not SGIO... about the only time they hang up so quickly after realising that they have made a fool of themselves, and not even appoligising for swearing at me or getting angry for something that they did...

In this one IT firm I worked in we had one NT 4 server that was the server that served *.*, it was an exchange box, a PDC, a terminal server, a file server etc.. Funnily enough it blue screened about 3 times a day.

The boss finally bit the bullet one day and decided to splurge on a new set of disk's for it (money was tight) and we finally get these 3 new 18gb scsi's and spend all day migrating the raid array over to a new array and got it booting and working again.

That afternoon we decided to have a ceremony in the back car park with a few beers and a few beers later we all had a shot at taking out our anger with the old apparentely broken disk's, they copped a hiding on the pavement.

Next morning .. server blue screens again.

A couple of weeks later the junior junior tech pleb discovers that the scsi cable has a bent pin in it and that was the root cause of all the problems.

tooms writes...

A couple of weeks later the junior junior tech pleb discovers that the scsi cable has a bent pin in it and that was the root cause of all the problems.

Wouldn't you just be SPEWING.

I was doing admin work at a QR track depot around 9-10 years ago. Used to play heaps of pranks like:

1. Put talcum powder on the tops of the ceiling fans
2. Our desk drawers had black metal handles so I'd run the ink pad across them, the boss would be going off about ink on his fingers and he'd be throwing away pens.
3. Another bloke would bring chillies in and I squeeze them and rub them around can of drink in the fridge, random coffee cups etc.

Another time I was working for T & D as an instructor in SAP with another bloke. I'd send messages to people in the class telling them an error had occurred and they needed to reboot their PC.

Always managed to have a chuckle over something even if it was at my expense.

a long story and hopefully i can convey it properly... Its actually a little rude, but it was not intentionally done! Which was part why it was so funny.

Our ducted aircon in the office must have a leak somewhere and some of our ceiling "tiles" came flopping down just outside our office door (Spongy roof things). The dripping continued and we placed some buckets to try and catch as much as we could while the aircon repairmen were called out.

Throughout the day the dripping came from various places and a lot missed the buckets. It left a massive wet spot on the floor and a regular drip-drip-drip.

I sit with my back towards the doorway in our office but later in the afternoon the other guy in my office said out loudly to someone "I hope you brought your goggles" [referring to the amount of water that was around].

I turned around as the repairman said "yes" only to look him in the face. Now call him cock-eyed is wrong, I mean honestly if you think of "Crazy Johns", that is what this guy looked like.

It just went south from there. It was one of those situations where you REALLY shouldn't laugh, but cannot contain it.

At first i wasn't sure how to react but found it hard not to burst out laughing. I had to close my nose and swallow my laugh. We didn't want the guy to think we were laughing at him. We actually weren't laughing AT him just the "coincidental" reference to his optics was timed perfectly.

But I soon realized that the "coughing" coming from my colleague was his attempts to suppress his laughter (which just made the situation worse)

We both ended up leaving the office for about 15 mins.

I had painfull stomach muscles the next day ...

((dont know if its funny now but sure as hell was then!!))

I used to for an IT help desk and one of our clients is the police force, they rang up advising us that they have received a stolen laptop. I was like why ring us, they told me because it was your company's brand of laptop

I had the same sorta deal, doofus broke into a remote site office – via manager's window. Spotted laptop, alarm is going off – and this thing is LOUD!!

Is in such a hurry to get away with his new laptop, that he snags and leaves behind the power cord and mouse to the laptop.

I rock in the next morning to this site (it is where our backup tapes are) to drop off and pick up the next days tapes, and was told of the break in.

I just simply said the joke is on the thief – because I had programed the laptop's BIOS boot screen to say "Property of XXX Council, IT Department". I was asked about the data on the laptop. I just simply said that if the user has done as he should, all data would be on the network.

I continued to say with out the local account and password, the laptop is useless to him (did I mention we re-name the local Administrator Account?).

Sure enough, two weeks later boss gets a call from the cops, dumbass tried to hawk it at Theft Converters and got busted. Never did get the laptop back....

A couple of mates of mine were on duty (police officers) and they got a call to assist a mentally disabled lady who rings up every week or so claiming that aliens are in her house...So they turn up there, and she says they are in her roof. My mate goes out to the car, grabs the laser gun and walks around the house pretending to fire it at the roof, the lady getting quite excited while he does. He tells her he got them all, and she doesn't call again for months :)

Sounds like an incident out of Third Watch :D

When I was working at Foxtel...

1) I heard a story of a customer calling up to lodge a complaint against one of the technicians that had been out to his house. The customer service rep assuming he had damaged some property asked him what the technician had damaged and the very irate man on the other end said "He didn't damage anything! He screwed my wife!!!"

2) A lady used to call up all the time saying the Foxtel signal used to help aliens read her thoughts and get into her head etc. So after months of this going on one of the team leaders got on the phone and told her to wrap up a baseball cap in tin foil and wear it when she watches TV. She hasn't called back since!

Also, loving this thread!!!

I got a ticket to a faulty phone isnt working and she is complaining of someone else using her service.It turns out she is Psysophrenic Jehovas.This was christmas Eve BTW.She was convinced the 'boy'(young adult) next door had the ability to "Tap" into her line so she got up into the roof and cut it.The building was a government rental with a shared common wall divider and she could hear him make noises and play music.
As I'm leaving I get the Jehovas leaflets and a dose of preaching,mainly because I mentioned Christmas day!

steve_289 writes...

I answered the phone as "good afternoon (company name), this is... 'co-workers name".
Oh sugar i though right as i said that, realizing what i had done straight away.
Ohh, I have done similar things (memorably) twice at my work (two different Optus stores):

1) When I was working at the Elizabeth Street store, I answered the phone as Elizabeth! xD (I started saying "Hi this is Matthew" and munged it with "Optus World Elizabeth Street", came out "Hi this is Elizabeth... Street...") – and it was my manager calling the store to check something haha

2) The ONLY time I remember fluffing the phone intro at the new location, I was doing 5 things at once and shouldn't have picked up really, but I did and the brain didn't engage properly, I came out with something like "Matth.. uhh, Eliz-- Carindale Optthis-- oh, man..." – and it was my old manager again!! She burst out laughing. :P

P.S: I'm normally pretty top-notch when it comes to phone manner, it was just a gigantic coincidence that it was her those two times :o

DukeXL writes...

2. I was walking out of liqour to the grocery section of the store and noticed that someone had laid a massive shit in the middle of the walk way right near the registers... i was like wtf – how could someone not have seen someone take a shit there!!!

Wow, it must have been a speeddump. Hyuk, hyuk. ;)

Distress writes...

A customer smashing his keyboard on the concrete in front of 20 people because he was refused straight swap for 11 month old keyboard. Instead of waiting couple weeks for replacement with brand new keyboard he chose to /ragequit.

I googled ragequit to see if it was an actual net-word and just burned like 5 hours rotting my brain on Encyclopedia Dramatica, thanks a lot. :/ :P

We had a customer do that with a phone once – it was one of the most expensive ones we carried at the time (about $1,200 outright, a Dopod or HTC or one of those big PDA ones), and he had cracked the screen on it but he had never actually added insurance on his account so he wasn't covered, he was one of those asian control freaks who want everything done NOW and HIS WAY etc... one of the girls was trying to help him out but he ended up chucking a man-tanty and pelting it at the floor, twice. It wasn't just a cracked screen any more, and he still wasn't covered... lol

I am working in a Hotel got lots of funny stories from guest. Here are the two of the most

1. From time to time the most common lost properties that guest left behind are phone adaptors, books, etc. This time I found an adaptable leg was "standing" in the middle of the room with shoe and sock on!

2. On a Sunday morning, I heard some moarning noise coming from the public toilet in the lobby. It ends up with a drunk dude was snoring and sleeping on the disable toilet floor. This time he got no shoes and socks at all!!

I just cant wait what would happen next.

tron^ writes...

get their paperwork and then come back saying isn't this such and such

Used to happen at the Travel Agency I mentioned previously in this thread. People would come in to pick up their holiday tickets, we could find no record of them. They swore blind that they had come in to our agency only a week or two before and booked their tickets, only to realise a few moments later they actually booked at competitor's travel shop the other side of town.

Story 1

We were doing some document development at a railway depot once and at the end of the day stored the data projector and laptop in their office.

Someone broke in that night and took the laptop, the data projector and a nearly new network printer.

We reported it all to the police and thought we'd never see any of it again, about a month later the printer manufacturer calls me up. We have this printer in for a service can you confirm the serial number.

It turns out to be the one that was stolen, the fool who had it was complaining it had no printer ports. The guy from the shop didn't want to get involved so I simply forwarded the details to the police who ended up getting it back., the guy claimed be got it from a bloke in the pub.

Still think it was an inside job, a little to convenient that is was broken into when we had gear there.

Story 2

Back when I was in a railway maintenance gang we had 3 brushcutter stolen from one of our sheds. So we had them all replaced and put them in a different shed.

Within two days that shed was broken into the the brushcutters were gone.

We were near some government warehouses, I thick it was either an inside job or someone at the warehouse was keeping an eye out.

Victory Is Mine writes...

He screwed my wife!!!"

I bet he did not sing the "Happy EOFIS" song.

audifred writes...

I bet he did not sing the "Happy EOFIS" song.

lol, no he did not! He was not happy at all. Apparently technicians got a bit of action ;)

audifred writes...

I bet he did not sing the "Happy EOFIS" song.

GOLD!! LMAOROFL!!

End Of Facepalmingly-Idiotic Sales? That'd make me happy :p

MatthewQ writes...

End Of Facepalmingly-Idiotic Sales? That'd make me happy :p

Like Webhosting @ 50% off for life. They are so stupid.

+1 on your choice of words

This story came from a friend of mine:

My friend was working in a reasonably large office, the kind that have "cubicles" that if you stand up you can see over the top to the next cubicle.

There was this guy who worked there who had a chocolate in his pocket. Because he didn't want to feel obligated to share it and knew the people surrounding the cubicle would hear him open the packet he went to a nearby men's room to eat it in private.

Because it was a hot day and he had had the chocolate in his pocket for some hours, the chocolate had melted.

When emerging from the toilet to go back to his cubicle noticed that he had melted chocolate on his hands and in between his fingers so he proceeded to lick the chocolate off.

After about ½ hour at his cubicle he was called to HR to discuss a "personal issue" and relayed his concern to his nearby colleagues on his way to HR.

When he got there they told him they needed to discuss a "delicate" issue as a result of some complaints from his co-workers relating to personal hygiene and gave him a lecture about the importance of washing his hands when going to the bathroom etc etc and gave him a pamphlet on personal hygiene.

Still mystified he related what had occurred to his co-workers on his return to his cubicle ... however rather than receive the expected support, they appeared to be in agreement with the things said to him in the meeting.

Still puzzled he sat at his cubicle going over what could have prompted such a strange meeting when he realised that his co-workers must have witnessed him licking the "chocolate" off his hands and from between his fingers. Apparently he laughed so much he nearly peed his pants and spent the rest of the afternoon trying to convince his co-workers about what had really happened!

Distress writes...

After he abuse us

he was he stoped yelling

Spoken like a true MSY-ian ;)

bambbbam writes...

Multiple new identities were set up to court her, mine her for info online! Great Fun.

That's mean.

As for funny work stories, (at a supermarket), I frequently see old people buying big tubes of KY jelly. Eew.

Also I had some guy come to the register with a massive scar that looked like a '?' across his head. He spoke really slowly and explained that he'd just come out of hospital from brain surgery.

It looked like he'd come out the day before, it was awesome. I would have asked for a photo if I wasn't a lowly checkout chick.

Also shoppers, we don't care if you leave stuff around that you decide you don't want, but if it's perishable, please put it somewhere cold, even if it's in the wrong place. At leat that way we don't have to throw out nice and warm tubs of yogurt and milk etc.

kiplinght writes...

I frequently see old people buying big tubes of KY jelly.

It has many more uses than just "that"

kiplinght writes...

I frequently see old people buying big tubes of KY jelly. Eew.

They need it more, the wrinkles create more friction :-)

we don't care if you leave stuff around that you decide you don't want, but if it's perishable, please put it somewhere cold

It's pathetic how often that happens. I almost always return items to their proper place and never leave perishables out of a refrigerated section. It's laziness and complete disregard for others IMO.

The funniest story I have is:

I currently work at a Primary School doing IT tech work. There is a book in which the teachers write any computer problems in (might get them to use email down the track but that might be an uphill battle in itself). I get to work and in the book the problem reads "too much spaghetti".

Took a couple of seconds to twig that meant there were too many cables lying about under the tables. Re-routed as much as I could but theres only so much you can do when there's about 10 PC's that all need power and networking not to mention the two switches and two printers.

I just find it funny how people explain their IT issues sometimes :-)

bananas_oz writes...

It has many more uses than just "that"

Do tell ? I know it's water based but your not eating it are you ?

Welsh writes...

your not eating it are you ?

well one could, however, there is a reason its exempt at airport security zones.

It has many medical applications, a lot of which, if described, will make your eyes water.....

Apparently the Predator bleeds a mixture of KY and Glowstick

bananas_oz writes...

It has many medical applications, a lot of which, if described, will make your eyes water.....

I'm going to have to google it now...nothing too bad so far...

WRXGal writes...

I'm going to have to google it now

Sicko! :p

WRXGal writes...

nothing too bad so far...

lol, you sound like a fun gal :-) (Not really hitting on you by the way, thought I would make that clear so you don't feel awkward/revolted/whatever, I'm married).

bananas_oz writes...

It has many medical applications

Sadly people only think of it's primary application ;)

<OT>

phoenixthesmeg writes...

Took a couple of seconds to twig that meant there were too many cables lying about under the tables. Re-routed as much as I could but theres only so much you can do when there's about 10 PC's that all need power and networking not to mention the two switches and two printers.

would their budget allow getting a whole lot of wireless cards?

alternatively, cable trays suspended from the ceiling might be the go?

</OT>

My humourous job incident:

During a slow period at work I made a phone call to our settlement agent – I'll call her Haylie Jasper here – and asked for her by name. After I put the phone down, my manager (who works in the next cubicle) asked me, "Who did you call just now?". I said "Haylie Jasper, why?"
He says, "Why are you calling my girlfriend?!?"
...
It was ok in the end, turns out it was a different lady :)

http://jeffkemp.blogspot.com/2009/03/suspicious-coincidence.html

This isn't my story but a friend's. He worked in a computer store with this guy who was pretty handy, but not what you'd call invincible when it came to computer knowledge and troubleshooting. The guy brought his computer to work every day and he noticed that, without fail, he would turn the speakers off before he shut Windows down.

So with that in mind, he waited until the guy was on lunch and proceed to change his Windows shutdown sound to track 15 on Tool's Undertow album (Disgustipated), which goes for 15 minutes.

The guy came back the next day exhausted, saying he was up all night reinstalling Windows because it wouldn't shut down properly!

Azkatro writes...

The guy came back the next day exhausted, saying he was up all night reinstalling Windows because it wouldn't shut down properly!

lmao, that's a classic! Poor guy though, we've all been there.

Great thread.
I took a screen capture of a colleagues desktop, saved it in paint & set it as his background. Then I hid his desktop icons. The start bar & programs worked fine but clicking desktop icons did nothing. He spent 4 hrs virus checking etc before anyone told him.

A guy at work smeared black inkpad ink in one of the technicians headphones.

Had a dragonfly go down the top of a young lady in the shop once. She jumped up, screamed & ripped her top off while running around the shop.

Caught a sparrow & hid it in the bosses top desk drawer. He sits down a hears this noise & when he opens the drawer this sparrow bolts out at him. He screamed like a little girl.

1 more – a workmate leaned back on the front of a car & the bonnet shut, catching the fingertips of both hands as well as both butt cheeks in it. He was bruised for weeks.

Could write a book, so many posts trigger memories of funny moments.

years back, first job in the field whilst still at uni, i was doing some part time software dev work for a company based in their melb headoffice. at some point, after about 2yrs with them, i got sent to the sydney branch for a week to train up staff on one of our inhouse projects.

i should point out that in principle i was part time, but in practice somehow i ended up fulltime. i was underpaid. i was borderline disgruntle.

anyway, back to sydney...

to my surprise, said company puts me up in (one of) the ceo's 'investment' properties. in homebush (i think). never been to sydney before this point. anyway – the regional manager gives me a brief induction to the apartment; which went something like:

fridge here, bed for you here, toilet there. keys to red alfa in underground carpark here. do not touch. "ceo does not know you are here i was supposed to organise a motel but i left it too late."

me: um ok. me not touch.

so i resist. by day 3 i've been down to the car a couple of times, you know, just to check it out. no touchie touchie. just to check its ok. but, come day 4/5 i'm jack of the 12 hour days and the plasma tv has lost it's appeal.

the keys are practically staring at me from across the room. so yeah. i think fizzle this shizzle, i'm going for a spin. no-one need know. it'll stay between me and the car. just around the block. just once.

so i cruise into town. over the harbor bridge and into the cbd. life's good. it was further than i had intended, but hey, its just into the cbd. i'll grab some food and slip on back. the ride is shizzle, but thats ok, i can deal with sydney's cut up concrete sore excuse for a road, after all, im in the alfa. i just need to concentrate on convincing others that it is indeed mine. as i said, life's good.

i decide to head back to the apartment. crossing the shb back in heavy traffic. i almost shizzle my dacks as it becomes apparent the shb is a toll way in this direction. WTF???? only in one direction???? WTF NSW??? i am well and truely on the bridge by this stage and my windscreen is fitted with one of those account tokens. this car is only driven once every six months. i do not want this to generate an invoice. definately do not want this to go onto the account. so i pull into the coin only lane. smart – almost had me there! anyway – up against the boom gate, scraping for change, ppl behind me are getting irritated. i haven't got my hands on enough change. jeeepers this car is clean. surely there is a buck here somewhere. horns begin blowing from the rear. fizzle! stress levels are not as they were 20minutes ago. in my perhiferal i notice an attendant jump out of his booth and head over to me. i'm thinking, here is my chance to talk my way out of this. if only! the guy doesn't even engage with me, no eye contact, no dialog. he's seen the token on the windscreen and figured i've ended up in the wrong fizzlen lane like some sort of tourist or something.

he could have asked, but no, instead he quick draws a portable scanner and waves me through :(

needless to say i didn't enjoy the rest of that week/month/...

IEEE754 writes...

the keys are practically staring at me from across the room. so yeah. i think fizzle this shizzle, i'm going for a spin. no-one need know. it'll stay between me and the car. just around the block. just once.

Sounds like a plot for Ferris Bueller's Day Off 2. When you got back to the underground carpark, you put the car in reverse to wind back the odometer right?

Just thought of another. A couple years back doing desktop support at a law firm. Just me and another guy.
We had an agreement that if girl X called then I would leave the phone ring and he would answer. He had a huge crush on this girl which was kind of pathetic but hey, we were young.
Anyway – girl x calls but the other guy was out of the office, so I answered. I needed both hands to type so I put her on loud speaker (which involved pressing the speaker button and hanging up the reciever). The other guy walks in just as he sees me hanging up the reciever and asks "who was that on the phone?"
I say "It is girl X on the phone"
He replies "It is girl X on the end of my d1*k"
I sort make a noise like "Aaaahh eeeh oooh"
Girl X replies "I am still on the phone. I can hear you guys"
Other guy goes bright red, puts his hands over his face and runs out of the office. Didnt see him for the rest of the day and less than 2 weeks later he was asked to leave.

BlueyT writes...

I took a screen capture of a colleagues desktop, saved it in paint & set it as his background. Then I hid his desktop icons.

I did something similar only i saved to my desktop and asked a colleague to help me my computer wouldn't respond. He mucked around for maybe ten minutes then I told him what I'd done.

The response was 'you idiot' and he stormed off.

phoenixthesmeg writes...

theres only so much you can do when there's about 10 PC's that all need power and networking not to mention the two switches and two printers.

I can send you some photos of ducting on top of a desk holding a row of 6 PC's (plus 3 drivers licence scanners, and 10 digital cameras, 1 network printer)... 19 devices (11 networked) within 6m of desk.

It's hardly ideal – but it isn't "annoying spaghetti".

I work in a supermarket and there are call restrictions on the phones. So only a couple of them dial out (except for 000).

Some smart arse worked out that if they called in on their mobile phone and answered it on their extension and hang up on the mobile phone at the same time they would get an outside line and able to ring mobiles or interstate etc.

Those of us in the office cottoned onto this, so when they ring in we answer the phone first getting the dial tone. So its a race with the person trying to get a line 5 or 6 times in sucession and failing.

Then I usually let them get the line, and then I walk over to their department and give them a roasting for misusing company property.

BlueyT writes...

I took a screen capture of a colleagues desktop, saved it in paint & set it as his background. Then I hid his desktop icons. The start bar & programs worked fine but clicking desktop icons did nothing. He spent 4 hrs virus checking etc before anyone told him.

The worst you can do is changing all the colours to black, font fonts, title bars, everything. There is no way to fix it except to memorize the keystrokes from a working computer.

Used to work in a help desk.
We had 1 "front desk" and then our own cubical. Mine was "handy" for the team leader to "borrow" when I was out & about.
My mates thought it would be funny to rearrange the keys on my keyboard. The thing is I have been able to touchtype for ages so it didn't bother me (except when I was typing passwords).

The team leader went right off her brain at me for doing such a stupid thing to my own keyboard. After a 20min rant I explained to her that I didn't do it – but it didn't effect my work at all, because I don't look at the keyboard to type (the only keys I had put back in the right spot were f and j – they have raised dots on them).

So she had a rant at "the whole team".

Never did find out who actually did the deed, 'cause I didn't care (and it ticked her off so much)!

This was one of a series of rants which lead to her no longer being a team leader (kept her pay scale though!), because her actions met too many of the definitions of bullying & harassment (we all wrote it off as "little man syndrome" even though she was female).

volg writes...

Just thought of another.

Thanks for posting this..

I don't know whether to laugh or feel sorry for that guy lol

jeffreykemp writes...

would their budget allow getting a whole lot of wireless cards?

Nah, plus They are doing a network rebuild soon too :-)

It's just in one of the classrooms so it's not that important really anyway.

Sydney Garrie writes...

I can send you some photos of ducting

Cool, might be interesting (I'm new in the job and never worked in the real world of computers before).

An old one just sprung to mind..

IT is one of those industries where you meet all walks of life .. I was working with this one clown who was previously a pastor before he decided to get into the IT game.

Sitting in the car with him for 2 hours one day driving out to a mine site and the whole way he's rambling on about this chick he's apparently in with, the way he was going on about it I thought they had seen each other a few times or atleast seen each other outside of work.

We finally get there and we walk straight into her office where he immediately spots a new photo of her on her desk, he picks it up and says "geez .. your boobs look small in that dress"

I quickly glance over at the photo, she had just got married a few weeks prior to this and it was a picture of her at her own wedding .. i shook my head in disgust and walked off and tried to ignore the loser as much as possible on the way home.

phoenixthesmeg writes...

theres only so much you can do when there's about 10 PC's

i just finished tidying up the cables for 75 computers across 3 rooms today
sooo...many....zip ties

Ok I had this tower that kept blowing up. After eating the cost of the third swap over at base camp, onsite I trot to find out what's what. I peer under the desk and what do I find?

The secretary had decided that the power out on the tower was the perfect place to plug her .. wait for it...2500w bar heater in order to toast her tootsies.

*facepalm city*

The boss was not happy jan. The only person I know of who managed to get into hot water and have cold feet at the same time.

Friend of mines story*

He was in a bottlo in surry hills (round the corner from foveaux street), what looked like a lady from across the road at the dental hospital (with the white gown) proceeded to take a dump on the front porch of the bottlo :S

gh! writes...

proceeded to take a dump on the front porch of the bottlo

Ha! Their prices were probably shit

Was late at work one day and decided to grab an energy booster from the vending machine on ground floor. Got down and noticed that a guy from the company was servicing the unit so I stood there waiting beside him for him to finish up. Got into a light conversation about the drags of working late shifts. When he finished up he asked what it was I wanted. "Just a Twix", I said. So he grabs a couple and tosses them to me. Amazed, I asked, "won't this get you in trouble?" Guy just shrugs, "meh, it's my last day" and walks out. I luv freebies :)

whilst working at helpdesk doing, one of the guys was on AL and was due to come back the next day. so we foiled up his whole desk, covered his keyboard, monitor, phone, chair, practically everything on his desk in alumium foil. came back the next day to a big suprise =D

few months down the track, we found some pink ribbons (after pink day event) and did the same thing, covered his whole desk in pink.

he asked what it was I wanted. "Just a Twix", I said. So he grabs a couple and tosses them to me. Amazed, I asked,

I work in a department in my office where the intercom for the couriers and the loading dock lift is located, for about 6 months we had a Coke guy that was like that, I used to answer the intercom just because it was probably him coming to reload the machine. A little small talk while letting him in and on his way back he'd always give you a free can. I always bought at least 1 can every day so it was good to get a freebie every now and then.

Nice guy too but eventually the company changed suppliers and now the drinks are more expensive and no free cans :(

Was managing a convenience store in Melbourne. One Saturday early evening, a youngish girl (mid teens) and two guys about same age come into the shop, the two guys seem unsure of what to do, and hang back. The girl looks at them, said something I could not hear and marched up to the counter and asked "Do you sell condoms".

Unfortunately we were out of stock at that time so had to say sorry, suggested they try a 7-11 down the road. So girl and the two 'boyfriends' wander off down the road, the guys managing to look sheepish and embarrased at the same time.

Mark@Oz writes...

"Do you sell condoms".

"Only if I can join you."

Guys,

For all those requesting the video of my christmas tree ball eating nutter, unfortunately i live in another country at the moment and don't have access to the tape. I will in december but will need to find a old video player that will do a feed onto my pc so i don't know if i can get a copy.

Thought of a few others anyways.

In working for the large telco, you can just imagine all the complaints you get hourly. I have a couple that stand out though, so here are my top 3.
1. Guy has a problem with his mobile, it went for a swim and he wanted it replaced for free, so angry that I couldn't/wouldn't do that he walked away from the desk, turned and grabbed the nearest box, which happened to be a fax machine fully enclosed in a box, and through it at me. Scary, but funny now i look back at it.
2. Another guy, getting prank calls on his mobile, and then his mobile decided to die for no reason (back in the days of a 3210 or something bulky like that) anyways is getting more and more frustrated that again I can't do anything on the spot that he throws the phone over the counter and hits the colleauge next to me (also trying to help) right between the eyes. The poor girl was so shocked that she jumped the counter (about 1.2mtrs) and he backed off scared about what she was going to do. I ended up having to stop her, and calm her down and later on like two weeks later he came back in so upset at the way he acted he bought her flowers, a bottle of champagne and two cartons of beer for the boys. Also invited us all to a free dinner at his restuarant (which we took up and it was awesome and we still stay in contact) so it actually ended up pretty good.
3. The bogan stripper who would come in with her son of about 12, and would flirt with all the boys and ask them to come and see her at work for a free show.

I have a million of these stories these are only a few i can be arsed writing about.

One more quick one, the CEO at the time, one of his good friends had an accident with his phone where not only had he dropped the phone 4 stories and it still worked, but later that day he dropped it in the loo. So we ended up having to help him out of a bind. His contract had only just begun and the old line of "The CEO is my good mate" came out. Not really believing him i did the best i could do under the circumstances and we got him a new phone. $1500 termination cost at that stage, anyways almost completed he had borrowed the phone a few times, he calls me over and says here speak to this person please. So I get on the phone and who is it? the CEO of this very large telco, saying please get this fixed. So explained the situation and said ok, not happy about it but rules are rules. He leaves and his embarrassing story actually is reported in one of the papers. About 5 days later doing paper work i went through to look at the whole deal, and all of a sudden the termination fee is removed and there is a note from one of the higher ups saying any questions ask them. Long story short (and there is heaps more cause i had to speak to the higher ups) I was asked to get him one of the ericsson in-destructable phones (big ugly phones R250) and post it to him to make sure he's got a back up he can't kill. Always a good thing to know the CEO.

$QW3RTY writes...

i just finished tidying up the cables for 75 computers across 3 rooms today
sooo...many....zip ties

ROFLMAO, there's enough zip ties on the cables for my computers at home and I only have about 8 or so :-)

BlueyT writes...

took a screen capture of a colleagues desktop, saved it in paint & set it as his background. Then I hid his desktop icons.

Standard punishment for leaving the office and your PC unlocked.
That or Hoffing the background (David Hasslehof that is)

E??D?S27 writes...

Standard punishment for leaving the office and your PC unlocked.
That or Hoffing the background (David Hasslehof that is)

Ours is send emails to unsuspecting people of their un-dying hidden love for them.

EvIlPaNdAs writes...

Ours is send emails to unsuspecting people of their un-dying hidden love for them.

I normally just open a new email, put the CEO's (100,000+ employee multi-national) address in the 'To' field, and leave the rest of the mail blank. That's usually enough to get people to lock their PCs.

I once took a job as one of those people who rings up offices and says "our records indicate it's about time for you to order some more copier toner . . ."

One of the girls in the factory was mildly acquainted with my sister (they were both 'groupies' of the same local band). They must have met each other only under circumstances involving drug induced haze, because she kept referring to me using my sisters name. She even asked me questions about gigs, events, other acquaintances, and made comments about some of their less than legal activities. I kept telling her she had me mixed up with my sis, but it just wouldn't sink in.

At the end of day 3 at the new job the boss called me into her office and asked me if there was anything I wanted to tell her. I said no. She asked about my name, then about how I knew the girl in the factory (lets call her FG). I explained I knew my sister knew her. The boss then had a private conversation with FG, before the day ended.

The next morning I got a phone call telling me not to come in to work. I still have no idea what had gone on between this FG girl and my sister (nor did my sister), but FG was obviously holding a grudge, and in her confusion and . . . vendetta (?) . . . she'd got me sacked.

Funny because:

1. FG met up with my sister again 2 weeks later and, after enjoying the odd illegal substance, and being reassured I bore no grudge, realizing her mistake, confessed all. Still don't know what sis did that was so bad that it got me sacked though! Maybe sis deliberately withheld that part from me . . .

2. Even though FG had acted out of spite thinking I was my sis, they ended up hanging out like best buds for the next 6 months – common interests, I guess. ;D

3. Congrats much to the boss who believed a girl with drug issues!!

4. I never really wanted the job anyway, and got a better one the week later.

Apprentice stories are always the best!

at my work we do alot of work in pilbara/kimberlies. we picked up a apprentice who lived in newman... we nicknamed him "the cobra" because he would only move when you move. anyways the story goes a few of the guys were at the pub after work doing rounds of beer. they were drinking in the beer garden at a table and all of a sudden one of the guys notice the table is all wet and theres a huge puddle on the floor. thinking wtf???? so they move to another table..... a few minutes later he notices this table is wet..... wtf??? move again.... same thing happens, and out of the corner of they guys eye, he watches "the cobra" drink (he of course would drink when you drink) and as he mouths the beer, he turns and spits it out. turns out he doesnt like beer and was just drinking it cause he thought he had too.......... oh yeah, he doesnt work with us anymore. check this video of him using a jack hammer....... HIGH-larious

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-6woXY8-XcE

I work in retail sold a portable aircon to a lady who after getting it home rang me abusing me about the aircon having a different shaped power plug,

I assured her it is the right shape which did not go down well "are you calling me a liar or stupid" I eventually gave up and told her to bring it back in to swap over,

On her returning the aircon I checked the plug it still had the plastic cover over it pulling the plastic cover off and showing her she was fairly embarrassed and apologetic.

BlueyT writes...

I took a screen capture of a colleagues desktop, saved it in paint & set it as his background. Then I hid his desktop icons. The start bar & programs worked fine but clicking desktop icons did nothing.

That reminds me of this little classic.

xTIMx writes...

Working at Macca's a woman comes to the counter and asks for a whopper. The rest of the other customers and I start laughing, as one of them points out she is at the wrong shop. She then storms off to HJ's. (In a food court by the way)

that happened to a co worker of mine. We were in maccas to get some lunch and it was very busy so he was staring at the board for at least 5 minutes when the young girl said what would you like he said I'll have a large double whopper meal.
everyone around him burst out laughing thinking he was joking and he looked at me as if to say what happened?

I laughed about that for days afterwards

another funny one that I get fairly regularly is we fix salt water chlorinators at work and like alot of appliances you plug these into a power point and then you plug something into the chlorinator for example the pump so its controlled by the time clock. we get this same problem at least 3 or 4 times a month. After fixing a chlorinator we get a phone call with someone swearing at us that the chlorinator is not working so after tell them to unplug the chlorinator from itself and into the power point we usually get hung up on lol

tterbw writes...

check this video of him using a jack hammer....... HIGH-larious

Wow, I thought he was going to embed that jack hammer into his foot at one stage.

At a servo I used to work at about 6 years ago, this lady came in asking for some help to fill her car (she was 65+). I went out to help her and she started commenting about a whistle noise coming from her engine. It was a weekend and the mechanics weren't on so I said I'd take a look, but I know very little about cars. (I can at least have a look and see if a fan belt is rubbing on something etc.) I'm about to look under her bonnet and she reached into the back seat and pulls out the dipstick and asks "Do you know where this goes?" The whistle stopped as soon as I put it back in.

Another time (I wasn't on that shift but heard about it when I came in) a lady came in and started buying oil in 1L bottles. After about the 5th one someone asks how much oil she's putting in. "Until it's full". The mechanics were on and they drained most of it out for her.

IT store

computer department

a well dressed older gentleman asks the IT lady
" do you sell 2nd hand lapdances "
:| < – face

" no sir im sorry we dont sell and 2nd hand items "
:| < -face
customer leaves

30 seconds later !!!
:) :) :P :)

coorrel writes...

Not job related but once I lined up in maccas and the dude infront ordered 200 chicken nuggets... LOL!

"Are you sure you want 200 chicken nuggets"

The same sentence was repeated like 20 times by the ordering staff, the supervisor, then the manager came out and said the same thing word for word.

lol same thing happened to me and my mate was behind a guy that asked for 180 pieces of chicken at kfc

Please do all, for of all of us long time readers, no time posters (yes I understand this doesn't actually work).

I for one would not like to see this thread die because of a side conversation that can go no where good.

Once again working @ servo .
Had a woman filling up a Holden HQ you know with the petrol cap under number plate she had a lighted cigarette in the same hand as the petrol pump nozzle as she was filling up.

She wasn't happy when i turned the pump off from the console & waved for her to come inside & i then proceeded to enlighten her that petrol vapour is what catches fire .

Told her i would let her do it provided i could leave the premises first & she could then set the place on fire she still didn't really get it though :)

Was talking to my about our days working in servos again the other day & reminiscing about the girls that used to hang around .

He used to have a girl come in & talk to him she would be sitting behind the counter on the floor where people couldn't see her & he would get guys winking & smiling @ him when they heard her talk .

In those days it was just the start of 24hr servos in Adelaide & people had to knock on door to get access after 12am till 6am another guy that worked there was shagging some girls in the cars in the workshop :) Getting paid as the boss didn't know what was going on .

I was never that lucky :(

Was working for a bank many years ago and the eectricity company had just installed a new substation in the basement/carpark.

The security guys used to live in the basment near substation as well.

Anyway there was a problem with the substation just after the installation and one night it exploded. The security guard on that night was on the toilet and got blown off with the force of the explosion. He was alright but it scared the life out of him.

The banks data centre in the building didn't fair too well because after the UPS kicked in the backup diesel generators on the roof didn't. It turned out the generators on the roof were wired up wrong and hadn't been tested.
After a few hours all the computer systems for the bank went down until someone brought in some backup generators to power the building.

Nothing like hearing a whole computer room power done all at once. The Wrrrrrrrrr sound as all the machines shutdown at once is unique and the silence afterwards was deafening but uniquely strange after being used to the noise of lots of computers.

Same bank as previous post...

We used to have operator who wasn't the brightest.

Some asked her what the big red button on a s/38 was. Instead of saying it was the emergency power off button she pushed it.

She didn't do this once but twice on two seperate occassions.

In those days if a s/38 wasn't powered off in the right way it took many hours to come backup.

She got roasted on both occassions as it was during the day and the s/38 housed the banks main ATM system.

Lots of unhappy customers and managers.

Me and some mates... on the town. Several ales, and we'd, er, borrowed one of the mate's dad's Holden Stateman.

Pull into a Kentucky Duck. Roam into the store. Consensus was made as to getting a bucket of pieces.

Nice 16 yo on the counter said "We're out of wings, Sir. Would breasts and thighs be OK?"

We look at her, stunned. Silence. Then she clicks and goes redder than the bucket containing the chicken.

heisdeadjim writes...

Nice 16 yo on the counter said "We're out of wings, Sir. Would breasts and thighs be OK?"

We look at her, stunned. Silence. Then she clicks and goes redder than the bucket containing the chicken.

Haha, that's terrible. Poor girl.

Reminds me of the new years eve celebrations in Sydney city of the year 1999/2000. It was all over for the night and thousands of people were making their way back to the various city train stations and hundreds of people decide to stop in at KFC George St, I eventually got to the counter and the counter girl asked what I would like,

"I want a 2 piece feed with two breast pieces and a mountain dew" I politely requested.

"Sorry sir, I can't give you two breast pieces, I can only give you one breast and something else" she replied.

"I want a 2 piece feed with two breast pieces and a mountain dew" I politely requested again.

"Sorry sir, I can't give you two breast pieces, I can only give you one breast and something else" she replied again.

"I WANT A 2 PIECE FEED WITH TWO BREAST PIECES AND A MOUNTAIN DEW!" I said as I raised my voice from what can only be described as an alcohol induced mood.

She then proceeded to jab at something below the counter.

So there I was standing in the middle of hundreds of customers when all of a sudden a very firm hand grasps my shoulder and a stern voice says:

"You can't have two breast pieces, choose again or you can leave!"

So basically I settled for one breast piece however I'm sure the security guard and the cashier that were working that night sure did have a humurous job incident.

:)

anyone who thought that the whole "two breast pieces" request was leading somewhere else, has a dirty mind :P shame on you!

MartyMcFly writes...

"I want a 2 piece feed with two breast pieces and a mountain dew" I politely requested.

"Sorry sir, I can't give you two breast pieces, I can only give you one breast and something else" she replied.

"I want a 2 piece feed with two breast pieces and a mountain dew" I politely requested again.

I don't think I am following this. If she already told you that you couldn't have two breast pieces, why did you proceed to ask for the same thing twice more?

sw9680 writes...

I don't think I am following this. If she already told you that you couldn't have two breast pieces, why did you proceed to ask for the same thing twice more?

I'm fairly sure the poster was drunk from the preceeding new year celebrations.

sw9680 writes...

I don't think I am following this. If she already told you that you couldn't have two breast pieces, why did you proceed to ask for the same thing twice more?

Perhaps it's because it's like 2am in the morning and anyone still on WP is clearly on the night shift and is struggling to understand what is on the monitor :O

mitch169 writes...

I'm fairly sure the poster was drunk from the preceeding new year celebrations.

That is correct

Cosmic R writes...

The manager replied, 'we cant do catering size orders over the counter without notice'.

They can barely fill a standard order in reasonable time at my local so I can imagine how hard it would be for them to deal with a big order.

Cosmic R writes...

I probably shouldnt have posted it.

It was a good story mate, it shows that the language barrier can create issues and when someone hasn't got a great degree of intelligence it can compound the issue.

My Nana came over from Italy some years back (before my Mum was born) and she still has issues with the English language but shes pretty good especially considering no high school education (or equiv) and not the sharpest tool in the shed. She does of course understand that the more you order the loner it takes to fill.

I understood completely from your wording that you weren't implying that the customer was stupid due to the language barrier and I'm surprised that people couldn't comprehend such an obvious point.

MartyMcFly writes...

That is correct

and I commend you on telling a story that put you in the place of the "idiot customer" :-)

It takes guts mate!

Now finally a story from a relo.

In Bunnings they have the toilet displays and it would seem that a young child was in need of the facilities. Apparently the child saw the toilets and proceeded to make use of one of them.

Damn, so many poop stories in the thread :-(

heisdeadjim writes...

We look at her, stunned. Silence. Then she clicks and goes redder than the bucket containing the chicken.

That reminds me of many years ago. Working with mainframes and green screens, and we'd had system issues a few times where the system would hang or appear to hang for a while, and the operators were copping stick for not checking on problems quickly enough.

So myself and another support guy are at our desks just outside the Ops area, and this cute young thing comes out and pops here head over the partitions:

Are you guys hung?

I look at the other guy, he looks at me, we both grin and look back at the CYT...

What? Are you guys hung?

That's a bit personal isn't it?

The penny drops...and you have never seen anyone go bright red so fast :)

No! No! I mean your terminal! Is your terminal hung?

I don't think so – but we could ask it if you like...

scoobydoosti writes...

Nothing like hearing a whole computer room power done all at once. The Wrrrrrrrrr sound as all the machines shutdown at once is unique and the silence afterwards was deafening but uniquely strange after being used to the noise of lots of computers.

About 1 minute of quiet before a phone rings then another then 50 desk / mobiles join in.

I been there as well

bambbbam writes...

Multiple new identities were set up to court her, mine her for info online! Great Fun.

It may have been funny at the time, but I think that was poor judgement. Looking back on it, I hope you realize that it was quite a nasty thing to do.

audifred writes...

I bet he did not sing the "Happy EOFIS" song.

What's that? I searched for it, and didn't find any seemingly relevent results.

MartyMcFly writes...

anyone who thought that the whole "two breast pieces" request was leading somewhere else, has a dirty mind :P shame on you!

This is gold! love the build up in tension (could hear the slow tense backing music rising in my head), then suddenly... massive anti-climax! Bravo

Ayu-mon writes...

What's that? I searched for it, and didn't find any seemingly relevent results.

I spelt it incorrectly.

It should read as, "Happy EOFYS".

Have you not seen the TV commercial for Foxtel? A Foxtel installer who looks like he auditioned to play Carl Williams in Underbelly, a family, and neighbours all do a dance whilst singing, "Happy EOFYS, Happy EOFYS, Happy EOFYS, EOFYS, EOFYSSSSS".

Chading writes...

1. Africans all speak the same language...?
2. She's stupid because she couldn't speak English very well?

You made me LOL.

Probably the same kind of person who gets offended by blond jokes and calls them sexist.

MartyMcFly writes...

"Sorry sir, I can't give you two breast pieces, I can only give you one breast and something else" she replied.

had something similar once at KFC, was ordering either a variaty bucket (6 chicken pieces) or a 12 chicken piece meal (was a gathering of mates).

was told I could only have 1 breast with the order. I laughed at the person and said "I'm buying basically ½ a chook (or full one as IIRC there is 16? cut from one bird). Got ½ brest in the end (personally, paying full price for a win with 1/3 the meat of a brest piece is robery, but that is a rant for another thread).

I used to like the old jokes of leaving numbers and names and telling the boss to return a call.

Doug Graves with the number to cemetry and Barry Munday with a number to the fisheries.

I got one supervisor to ring and ask for a Barry Munday, when he rang the fisheries they had a bloke called Brian Munday (sp.). They were connecting him and I'm waving at the supervisor to hang up the phone, trying to tell him it's a joke gone wrong.

Lord Viykor writes...

They were connecting him and I'm waving at the supervisor to hang up the phone, trying to tell him it's a joke gone wrong.

PMSL :)

Cheers

Dave

Top thread, got a real good laugh out of the janitor guy in the female toilet.

Rotten Ronnie writes...

Had a woman filling up a Holden HQ you know with the petrol cap under number plate she had a lighted cigarette in the same hand as the petrol pump nozzle as she was filling up.

This day and age im fairly certain she'd get accused of terrorism and taken in by ASIO.

Silent89 writes...

get accused of terrorism

"be alert, but not alarmed"

Sat having lunch with 2 girls from our finance department, one tried to devour a chocolate bar very quickly

Me: "Careful, you'll choke!"
G1: *Laughs* "Never, She can give me a hymen if I do"

The other girl and I looked at each other and burst out laughing. When it dawned on her what she'd said, I'd never seen anybody turn that red before

TwistedGecko writes...

"Never, She can give me a hymen if I do"

lol, what did she mean to say?

Cosmic R writes...

lol, what did she mean to say?

heimlich, at a guess?

audifred writes...

Have you not seen the TV commercial for Foxtel?

No, I haven't seen it. I've seen alot of Austar and Foxtel ads, but not that one. What channel is it on? How long has it been around?

Cosmic R writes...

lol, what did she mean to say?

At a guess, I'd say she meant to say Heimlick, as in the manoeuvre used to stop someone from choking.

Cosmic R writes...

lol, what did she mean to say?

Heimlich manoeuvre

However It's not in common practice anymore, what is:

The majority of protocols now advocate the use of hard blows with the heel of the hand on the upper back of the victim. The number to be used varies by training organisation, but is usually between five and 20.

The back slap is designed to use percussion to create pressure behind the blockage, assisting the patient in dislodging the article. In some cases the physical vibration of the action may also be enough to cause movement of the article sufficient to allow clearance of the airway.

This is what we were taught.

Cheers

Dave

Cosmic R writes...

lol, what did she mean to say?

Heinrich, i.e. the manoeuvre to get people to cough up food in a comical America slack-jawed movie kinda way, ga-hyuck.

p.s. Good story!!

I have tongue slipping one too:

Back in reseller land, I had a female boss who was notorious for the old tongue slip. One particular case was where she was visiting our potential biggest client EVER. Sitting within the board-room, she went about saying how we

"deal with the Mid-Size to Large Enterprise clients only, we do not cater for any old random Blow-Jobs down the street"...

In case you're wondering, she meant "Joe-Bloggs"... sigh, luckily the customer had a sense of humour and they signed up :)

NVeer writes...

"deal with the Mid-Size to Large Enterprise clients only, we do not cater for any old random Blow-Jobs down the street"...

I should hope not! :) Man that can be interpreted in so many ways LOL.

actually all this tongue slipping talk reminds me of an amusing anecdote;

My boss was doing work for the Hawthorn Football Club as a consultant on something completely non-football related. Anyway he was heading to a meeting with some senior people there, and was told to wait in the foyer of the building. In the foyer they had various Hawks memorabilia and trophies.

My boss, who has absolutely zero interest or knowledge in AFL, greets them when they come out and comments
"There's some great looking eagles here".
He was trying to suck up to the client, but little did he know the Hawthorn mascot is a Hawk, not an Eagle.
"It's a Hawk, and I dont ever want to hear you say that ever again!" the client responded angrily.

He came back to the office with his tail between his legs, but a hilarious story!

Had an Indian bloke who just came to Australia and started delivering pizzas at my shop. On his first delivery he had to go to a house with the number 36. He couldn't find it, so he rang the house that the pizza is supposed to go to (the number is on the docket we take); The guy called him an idiot and said it's in between 34 and 38... how can you not find it? (To be fair, it's dead easy to find, it's not on a corner or anything annoying). And the driver replied with "Well I'm at 35... I don't know where you are"; Something like that... either way the guy who ordered the pizza was pissed and when the driver came back he put his bum bag on the bench and said "I can't do this job" and walked out, never seen him again. :P

I used to work at subway and someone came in high with goggles on and a helmet and wanted to order just avacado (nothing else not even bread). More so random than funny.

Ayu-mon writes...

No, I haven't seen it. I've seen alot of Austar and Foxtel ads, but not that one. What channel is it on? How long has it been around?

Someone posted it on YouTube.....so please have a look :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yr9_M2LGO5k

It has been around for a long time....but will probably end tonight lol

"I'm buying basically ½ a chook (or full one as IIRC there is 16? cut from one bird). Got ½ brest in the end (personally, paying full price for a win with 1/3 the meat of a brest piece is robery, but that is a rant for another thread).

Just to save you that rant: Many years ago, we used to cut the whole chickens into pieces in store.

Each chicken is cut into 9 pieces: 2 wings, 2 thighs, 2 ribs, 2 legs, and 1 breast. The white meat, the type you get on the breast, is also on the rib.

Staff are instructed to do their best with evening out the distribution of these pieces, eg a 9 piece thrift box would ideally have the pieces listed above.

Unfortunately, some people are prepared to pay full single piece prices for the breast, to get around these guidelines, leaving the stores breast ratio out of wack. This problem will continue to happen until we are able to genetically engineer chickens with 4 or 5 breast plates, and zero wings.

If you got 1 breast piece within 16 pieces, that is within the guidelines. If you got 3 or 4 wings within the 16 pieces, that is within the guidelines. If 8 of the 16 pieces had been wings and legs, yeah, that would suck.

IMO, KFC is a ripoff regardless of the pieces you get. But if you want to make sure you get your breast meat next time, invent a multi-breasted chicken, or pay the full single price for the breast piece. ;D

NVeer writes...

Heinrich, i.e. the manoeuvre to get people to cough up food

He he hee! You funny fella!! ;D

asterisky writes...

This problem will continue to happen until we are able to genetically engineer chickens with 4 or 5 breast plates, and zero wings.

Give me a yell when you crack the code, I'll be at the local KFC every day :D

EvIlPaNdAs writes...

I still have the video to date. If ever i need something to cheer me up thats the video I go for!

you have to show me it, would u be able to send me it through email

hope u can thanks

sestrooper writes...

I used to work at subway and someone came in high with goggles on and a helmet and wanted to order just avacado (nothing else not even bread). More so random than funny.

That happen to be in Melbourne, SE suburbs?

My story is when I used to work IT support for a large supermarket chain. The registers etc are all computers, and we can remote in and troubleshoot any issues. Alot of us were laid off at the same time, and we were all pretty disgruntled as we all liked our jobs. One work colleague thought it would be funny to cause a little trouble.

He knew his friend worked at a particular supermarket and would randomly check the registers to see if she was logged on and working the checkout.
Imagine one of those busy evenings where heaps of people are queueing in the express lane, and there's the poor girl trying to zip through the items and get the customers out of the store.

Colleague logs onto her register, and took over the screen. Which locked her out, they couldn't finalise the transaction.
Colleague then rebooted the register. 'Great, registers broken... I'm just going to switch registers'. So the queue follows.
Colleague follows her to next register. Shuts it down.

He get's a good laugh out of it, and I'm just shaking my head telling him 'man, you're such a tighta**'.

come to think of it, i don't think that's funny at all...

Some friend if he does that to her.

The mast is down ..

I attended a customers site about 7-8 or years ago to look into why the comms had stopped working. I get there with my laptop and plug into the indoor unit of the microwave unit to discover the outdoor component of the microwave unit is not responding.

Onsite with me is the customers database administrator .. one of those know it all SQL guys who's doubled up as the IT guru, IT Manager and general pain in the arse.

I explain to this idiot for about 20 minutes that I'm not pulling the radio down that morning with out the proper equipment, I needed to drive about 70km's back to town, get a replacement unit, bring someone else back with me and come back by the end of the day and pull it down and replace it. He wouldnt have a bar of it, he wanted me to take it down there right there and then and possibly repair it onsite.

Within 5 minutes the twit has got himself on the roof of a transportable building and is undoing all the guy wires on the telescopic mask thinking he could slide it all down himself and take it down. Within about 30 seconds of the first guy wire being undone the whole thing toppled over, radio went splat into the ground and smashed into pieces.

So now im replacing the radio, the pole and all the associated cabling, he copped a reaming from the minesite manager and the carrier I was working for got to bill them for the whole lot seeing as he destroyed it himself .. it turned out to be a good day in the end.

Mr. Phu, that guy remoting in and harassing the checkout chick makes him sound like a real gem, I bet he gets laid a lot... Not.

He could have at least been creative and added 158 packs of jumbo tampons or xtra-small condoms or a couple of bulk 1L containers of haemeroid(?) ointment to every order, but it doesn't sound like he had two brain cells to rub together. :p

MatthewQ writes...

the prize for 'stinkiest customer ever'

Should try being on the far noth coast. You can smell the Ferals coming a mile away (modern hippie types that make me retch evey time they get close and I have a pretty tough stomach).

Oh, I'm no lightweight when it comes to smelly people – I take public transport ;)

But this guy had what could be called an epic stench. It was a physical force, awesome and terrible, it could have driven Richard Dawkins to prayer.

I've had one of those, Matthew. When I worked in servos. We refused to serve her. She made a discrimination complaint until other customers counter-complained, and I pointed out we were a business that sells food, and that we had a body odour policy for employees, why should it not apply to all in that, why should we smell that filth?

The food premises was a servo, like others here. Countless times, the quintessential dizzy blonde in a car that wasn't hers would arrive at the pump with the fill point on the wrong side. She'd get in, drive a 180 around the pump, get out.

And of course it was still on the wrong side....

Guy, BMW sedan. Filling. The vibrations from the pump woke up a huntsman spider and it skittled across the quarter panel. Guy took the nozzle out and gave the spider a squirt. At this point he has my full attention, but seeing him replace the nozzle back into the tank I hold off on the emergency stop.

Spider makes another run for it. Guy gets his Zippo out of his pocket and opens it.

BANG! I thump the emergency stop and get on the PA "the gentleman in the black BMW with his cigarette lighter – just what in the bloody hell are you doing???"

Guy is busted. Being as I've hit the emergency stop no one is getting fuel, and they turn to see a guy holding a nozzle and an open Zippo.

hahah what a tool.

heisdeadjim writes...

Guy is busted. Being as I've hit the emergency stop no one is getting fuel, and they turn to see a guy holding a nozzle and an open Zippo.

Haha That's Gold. I hate spiders, but I'd whack it with a shoe not blow up a petrol station.

Cheers

Dave

heisdeadjim writes...

Guy, BMW sedan.

You would think that someone with enough money to buy a fancy car would have at least enough intelligence to know that petrol + fire = KABOOM, especially with all the vapour around a pump.

phoenixthesmeg writes...

You would think that someone with enough money

money does not equal intelligence.

heisdeadjim – i think the gene pool could have really been assisted by letting him continue.

ROFL! The BMW driver hated spiders so much that he was willing to destroy his car, and perhaps the entire petrol station with it to kill it.

heisdeadjim writes...

BANG! I thump the emergency stop and get on the PA "the gentleman in the black BMW with his cigarette lighter – just what in the bloody hell are you doing???"

Geez man!.... that was absolutely hilarious!! LMAO

Lemme see....

Another site. Public toilet had been permanently closed due to rampant drug use. Female wants to use toilet. Is decommissioned, I tell her.

Makes a break for the staff only area out back – she had correctly surmised there's a staff toilet – area manager has just opened the doorway so by pure reflex he shoulder charges her and dumps her on the floor.

Off she goes like a banshee – which in this case is appropriate – proceeds to drop her pants and lets rip on the floor.

Or, summer rains. Maintenance had "forgotten" to remove all the dead leaves from the roof guttering so it overflows into the shop. About two inches of water through the place. I've powered down and I'm trying to protect some of the perishable stock from the leaking roof.

People complain that the pumps, and indeed the building, has no power.

The big price sign you see out front? Electrical fault, caught fire. Full shutdown. There are three big red metal things with rotating lights on them – last I knew, known as "Fire Appliances" – actually engaged in the act of dousing fire.

Driveways are blocked off with either employee cars and / or MFB tape. Guy in Landcruiser drives OVER the garden bed and asks why his pump wasn't working....

The incident report form used to have a section for injuries – all the way from no injury to fatality. Lady had a Paris Hilton style useless dog that got over excited by all the cars and bolted across the forecourt to be with "mum" when she went in to pay.

Unfortunately useless dog attempted to occupy the same part of the space time continuum as a milk truck. Dog departed to the Great Kennel in the Sky.

Some twit – not me – ticked the "fatality" box on the faxed incident report. Problem is, it went to corporate like that. Being as the injury section was on top of the page, it came out of the fax machine at the office end and some staff flunky went into overdrive mode, phone started ringing before the fax finished.

Subsequent memo: "The injury section on the Incident Report applies to human casualties only".

I lost count of the number of times I've put car fires out. Car on fire? Sure! Let's head to a petrol station and park the burning vehicle near tens of thousands of litres of volatile liquids...

A car driver was trying to gather the attention of a taxi driver as the vehicles were driving alongside each other. Turns out the Good Samaritan had noticed sparks coming from under the vehicle ans was trying to alert the taxi driver to that.

Taxi driver was assuming it was road rage, so gunned it and headed for the servo. Stops in the middle and WHUMP! A LPG explosion blew out all the windows of the cab, and burnt off the driver's hair. Otherwise, he was unharmed.

Subsequent analysis showed the sparks the other driver saw were small globules of LPG igniting – the converter had malfunctioned. By gunning the motor, there was enough residual LPG to spark when the vehicle stopped.

Heisdeadjim, you win.

On an iphone, to save a funny picture, you hold your finger on it for a few seconds then get an option to save – your bit about the spider was good enough that I held my finger on the post for a few seconds before realizing what I was doing lol

MatthewQ writes...

Heisdeadjim, you win.

+1

keep them coming

I got hundreds....

Woot! Site upgrade! New pumps! One had been in the ground three days and was only commissioned that morning. Guy backed into it claiming he didn't see it.

New pumps are literally eight foot high, three hoses a side and painted red yellow and white.

"Does Lead Free Super contain lead?"

Think a moment.

Hot hot summer's day. Guy on Harley roars in, driving between two pumps, cutting off a car who was first. Rider puts six dollars worth in, then strides into the shop, pushing past other customers in line.

Jim: "Excuse me, Sir..."

Him: "**** that! I'm in a hurry, I'm in leathers, and it's too ****ing hot. Just gimme my change!"

Jim thinks, ok, Sir, if that's how you want to play it....

I take his scrunched up ten dollar note. I make a great play of straightening it, smooth smooth smooth. T then turn it over and smooth smooth smooth the other side.

Him: "What the **** are you doing that for?"

Me: <pointing> "See that device? It's a notereader, it collects and stores excess notes. But they have to be straight or they won't go in". A little context – been into a pokies venue with machines that take notes? Essentially the same. Saves having mega amounts in the till.

At this point I have yet to ring up the sale.

I clear the previous sale, and deliberately press an invalid sequence of keys.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep goes the machine.

Jim: "Oh, damn. Let me do that again." Press pump. Pause. Total. Pause. One. Pause. Zero. Pause. Zero. Pause. Zero (cash amounts went in as cents). Pause. Cash Tendered.

Till goes "Ting!" and opens. Reflexively, I close the drawer.

Jim: "Oh, sorry Sir, you need your change, yes?"

Rider getting pretty annoyed at this time.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep again.

Nosale. Pause. Enter.

Ting!

And I count out the coins.

Jim "Six dollars Sir? Lets see (I reach in for a $2 coin) that's eight." I reach again, "That's ten. Have a nice day, Sir!"

Guy stalks out.

The two ladies waiting were almost having kittens trying not to laugh out loud. One was going purple. The first lady says "Y'know, I was in a hurry, too. But it was worth it seeing that!"

Two lady customers in front of me – at this point why are women a predominant part of my tales? – one dressed professionally, the other a policewoman. The executive is first, pays, turns around, and recognizes the copper next in line.

Standard old school friends greeting. "Hiya, how's it going" all that.

Please remember I am facing into the store, the policewoman is facing me, the second lady is facing the policewoman.

Policewoman: "Well, it's obvious what I do," Smile "What do you do for a crust?"

Executive: "Oh, I sell drugs for a living!"

Brief pause. I see the lady coppers instincts light up, her hand actually drops to her .38

The executive continues; "Yes, I'm a pharmaceutical rep for Phizer – you know, Viagra?" and she nudges her old school mate in the stomach.

I see the cop stand down from red alert. Then the executive twiggs.

heisdeadjim writes...

I got hundreds....

Heisdeadjim, for all your efforts, I have promoted your Aura from a :) to a :D.

Cheers

Dave

Keep em comin.....

heisdeadjim writes...

Executive: "Oh, I sell drugs for a living!"

Brief pause. I see the lady coppers instincts light up, her hand actually drops to her .38

OMG!.... LMAO...

Guy comes in, buys a Mars Bar and a Chocolate Big M. Pays me, and asks for the toilet key.

I give him the key, but my instincts have fired off.

/me rings local coppers, "say, I have this bloke here," I describe, "and this here car," details given, "and, y'know, he's paid for everything. Yet I've got this... feeling you get"

Cop says, "Well, so?"

Jim: "Do I really have to explain to a copper the notion of that little feeling you get when something is suss?"

Cop: "Fair call" Pause, muffled conversation. Then all of a sudden, a different voice: "We want him – where is he?"

Jim: "Well, if you're quick, he's still in the can". Cop shop was a block and a half away.

Cop: "Ok, we're coming. If he leaves, point us the way, ok? Don't say a bloody thing!"

Customer returns the key. Remember he owes me nothing – he's paid for what he took – but I know the cops want him kinda hard. Just as he sits in his vehicle they swoop, guns cleared leather, the works.

Face down, on the forecourt, bracelets on. Turns out he was escaped from prison, they only twigged when the copper who took my call relayed my decision. Cops are only there in their standard cars, so they sit on him until the brawler van arrives and he's back in Her Majesty's custody.

All this time the servo is open, and I have customers through, no robbery has occured, no need to close. They ask me what's going on, and of course I have no idea.

Later on a Detective Senior Constable comes over and said: "so, what made you call?"

Jim: "No bloody idea, to be truthful. He just looked sus! He didn't even steal anything – that Mars bar he had was paid for."

Det Sen Const: "Shit! Remind me not to ever get on your bad side, if that's what you do to people who don't piss you off!!"

heisdeadjim writes...

Det Sen Const: "Shit! Remind me not to ever get on your bad side, if that's what you do to people who don't piss you off!!"

+500

*Stands and applaudes*

You should write a book on this stuff =)

Brainstormer writes...

OMG!.... LMAO...

Deadly freaking serious – I was scoping out places to hide!

NVeer writes...

You should write a book on this stuff =)

No one would believe me if I put my real name to it!

Working at a place, Greg Evans comes in. He asks for some oil for his car, I select a particular one and say, "This oughta be a perfect match for..." and my voice trails off.

Look of death. Er, um.... Mr Evans! I'm sorry, I really really am! I didn't mean it, honest!

Chopper Read came in and bought a pair of sunglasses.

Remember that Det Sen Const? Some flaptard hired a trailer and didn't return it.

"Senior! Can I call in that favour?" One trailer returned.

NVeer writes...

You should write a book on this stuff =)

My thoughts exactly. HIDJ you should collate a bunch of funny Service station stories, perhaps you know a few other people who have some and look at publishing them?

Cheers

Dave

heisdeadjim writes...

"Does Lead Free Super contain lead?"

Did you tell them that it does, however you don't pay for the lead content and that's why they call it "Free"?

+1.

I have a friend that somehow always has amazing stories like you!

Some hunch with that robber though, honestly he just looked sus? Was there handcuff marks? A prison outfit? Anything?

heisdeadjim writes...

When I worked in servos.

You've convinced me working in servos must be one of the most interesting jobs in the world! Why did you EVER leave? ;D

lukeram writes...

Some hunch with that robber though, honestly he just looked sus? Was there handcuff marks? A prison outfit? Anything?

Unless you've worked law enforcement or security, or worked where people like, er, borrowing things, it's hard to explain. In over ten years in servos I was never robbed, not once. I fail to believe I was just lucky.

Essentially, when someone is engaging you in a retail / customer relationship, it's open body language – you're interested in them, they're interested in you.

A robber casing the joint has no such intentions. He wants to know your demeanour, your level of alertness. He's also looking for entry and exit points, blind spot in the CCTV coverage, etc. So he'll scan you, and then look through you to your surroundings, trying to figure out where and when he can go, and what you might do.

Ok. This guy paid me for the Mars Bar, then proceeded to look through me, completely ignoring my presence, to see what cigarettes I had behind me, and I noticed him glance to the camera over my left shoulder.

That's when my brain went PING! I wasn't that important, what was in the shop WAS. Most robbers are cowards at heart, so to justify an aggrivated burglary they'll mentally discount the staff as a valid human being. This allows them to justify the burg.

asterisky writes...

Why did you EVER leave?

The job was great. Management liked their pound of flesh :(

Heisdeadjim, you were reminding me of Joe Peacock even before someone suggested you write a book ;)

You seem to have as many "woah did that really happen?" stories as him :)

My wife used to work in a jewelers store. Guy comes in and starts asking about the watches (the massively expensive tag heuer sports ones) and she is going through the sales spiel.

Customer: "Is this watch okay to wear while i'm playing cricket?"

Wife: "um, sure no worries."

Customer: "But it might get scrached when i'm playing cricket..."

Wife: "Might not want to wear it while playing then..."

Customer: "okay well i'll take the watch but i'll take it off when i play cricket so it doesen't get scrached."

Wife: "okay... sounds good..."

Customer leaves kinda quickly and wife is wondering why the hell he was talking about cricket so much...

Later that night i'm watching the sport on the news and my wife looks over at the TV.

Wife: "hey i served that guy today" (points to the tv)

Me: "Bull****..."

She is pointing at Andrew Symonds.

poor bloke seemed to be looking for a little Fan recognition during the sale. Unfortunatly for him my wife wouldn't know the aussie cricket team if the drove through our living room.

Ok, funny now, but not then.

The day after the Madrid Train Bombings somebody left their briefcase on the forecourt, directly above the underground LPG tanks.

If a container bursts, the LPG first spreads out as a supercooled liquid. This freezes anything within range. Then it boils into the atmosphere and become an oxygen-displacing gas, which asphyxiates any creatures in the affected radius. This gas spreads out to cover several hundred times more area than the liquid from which it comes. A single tank of LPG can cause oxygen displacement of many square miles. At some point this gas is diluted by the atmosphere. It will then reach a point of an ignitable mixture. When this happens, a fireball of many square miles will consume everything in the area.^*

So you're looking at 55 000 L of highly explosive liquid, and a suspicious package sitting right on top. If I remember my old MSDS, one litre of liquid LPG will mix with air to make 1800 litres of flammable fuel air mixture.

So, standard emergency procedures swing into effect. The cops have arrived, and I explain it to him, and he's just about to get SOG out, full lockdown, shut off the street.

Guy arrives in a Citroen 2CV, I kid you not, and points out the bag is his. Turns out he was a lawyer from Albury in town for a client, and had parked the car there to pump up his tyres – the airpump was co located next to the LPG.

Then he said "Thanks for looking after my briefcase!"

Some Inspector or something – gold braid on his hat – gave him a severe talking too and he left.

* Source

tipusultan writes...

Hi

i am not condoning use of fake Madicare card, but a death of human being is not funny anyway. I just hope if peoples understand sensitivity of this.

On other side, I have understand that when dealing with death become routine job in certain professions, they some how become immune to sensitivity of the subject and do find fun on. But they should understand that outsiders would not be able to appreciate it.

The humour wasn't in the persons death, but that the body disappeared afterwards.
A normally serious matter, and not what one would expect in Aus.

I can't be bothered explaining the rest to you.

I can't be bothered explaining the rest to you.

Thanks anyway.

Ohgeezx2 writes...

The humour wasn't in the persons death, but that the body disappeared afterwards.
A normally serious matter, and not what one would expect in Aus.

I can't be bothered explaining the rest to you.

To save the trouble, its like the episode of Fawlty Towers, where a patron dies overnight and they hide his body to avoid scaring the other patrons. Hilarity ensues. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0578592/

During a strike at an iron ore mine, some strikebreakers were driven to work in a minibus. As they went through the picket line, the strikers shook the vehicle and painted slogans on the side. One strikebreaker was unusually short, and next to his seat he found they had put "little scab" specially for him.

I've moved from servos to trains....

Guy wanted to hire a car. Ok. To drive to Adelaide. Ok. For the day?

What suburb does the Werribee line go to?

I've been at a City Loop station real early in the morning. If you get an "Early Bird" ticket, for free, you can travel anywhere in the train network provided you arrive before 7am.

People jump the barriers. Why are they fare evading a free ticket?

At Melbourne Central main access, where you come down the escalator past the Coles Supermarket. People ask – where's the Coles?

How long can I use a weekly ticket?

Ok I have a few that spring to mind here is the first

I work in a large industrial steel site in Newcastle. We have a rather large workshop for our small crew and have a lunch room and office.
Anyway being a small crew of all relatively young fellas we were always playing pranks on one another.
A favourite was to set up an tub of water over a half open door so that when the door opens the tub falls and you get soaked.
one day we were all sitting having morning tea in the luchroom when a figure waltzes by towards our office. I question the guys if they saw who it was and one of the other tradies goes into a panic and yells stop.
Just as yells we hear a crack and a OOOHHH SHITT.
Turns out a very unlucky sales rep had been our victim and soaked a rather expensive suit.
Not a great start to the day for the poor bugger.

Another one that springs to mind is when I was working in a plant room at a large movie cinema complex for the day.
My apprentice at the time thought it would be funny to go and hide on me in the plantroom.
Anyway poor bugger in all his efforts was trying to hide up on some a/c ductwork and managed to put his feet on some water pipe and crack it.
This started to flood the plantroom and managed to seep copious amounts of water downstairs into the projection room dripping onto the audio part of the projectors.
If it wasnt for my quick thinking shutting off the water it could have been a catastrophe and a major ass kickin.
We managed to spin a good story about how we were checkin a light or something and slipped. Also had to help mop up the mess downstairs.
What an eventful day:)

LOL

At the mine I worked at as an apprentice, many moons ago -

One night at lunch (2am), our fairly-new-hadn't-really-done-any-shiftwork boss was having a nap , head down on the desk, in his office with the lights out and went a bit overtime. That was fine, we played cards for another 45 minutes until someone had an idea.

We used to have little smoke bombs for checking the dust sealing in cabs of machinery. They were powerful little suckers, putting out huge volumes of odourless, dense white smoke...... so someone slipped into his office, pulled out a few filing cabinet drawers, left a wheely office chair in the middle of the room, put a smoke bomb in an out-of-the-way spot, lit it up and slipped back out.

We all gathered outside to watch as the smoke filled the darkened room from the roof down. We waited until it descended to nose level and kicked the door in as hard as possible, all of us shouting, "THE WORKSHOP'S ON FIRE!GETOUTGETOUTGETOUT!!!".

He wrecked that office trying to get out – chairs, desks and filing cabinets all over the place – and even though he was a big fella, his feet barely touched the ground once he finally made it out the door. He was a hundred metres down the workshop before he stopped to see what we were all wetting ourselves laughing about.

It still brings a tear to my eye to this very day :-)

hahahaha nice sounds like something ill have to try 1 day

jasonc writes...

money does not equal intelligence.

Very true.

heisdeadjim writes...

Subsequent analysis showed

Holy smeg is all I can say.

heisdeadjim writes...

"Does Lead Free Super contain lead?"

Of course it does otherwise it's not free lead is it, just missing :-)

Executive: "Oh, I sell drugs for a living!"

Love it.

How long can I use a weekly ticket?

Once a week for life?

TheRedWolf writes...

To save the trouble, its like the episode of Fawlty Towers, where a patron dies overnight and they hide his body to avoid scaring the other patrons. Hilarity ensues. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0578592/

Ahh, but you see, that is disrespectful to the dead, and not funny...

I really meant, if someone can't see the humour, they never will, hence no point trying to explain ;)

Though in retrospect, I do wonder why the poster of the story never mentioned calling an ambulance, (or maybe they did – it all seems so long ago...).

heisdeadjim writes...

The job was great

Did you work after midnight & get the transvestites with 3 day growth who thought they looked beautiful in their summer dresses .

Did you get girls hanging around most of your shift ?

Then end up going home for a morning cuppa with them :)

heisdeadjim writes...

and I noticed him glance to the camera over my left shoulder.

I do that all the time! =/ I'm always looking for cameras and things like that. I must be a crim at heart.

heisdeadjim writes...

What suburb does the Werribee line go to?

Customer asks do you feed the dogs ? answer we try to owners get a bit funny if we dont feed them and they smell horrible after a week or two .
My dog lives inside on the sofa do you have sofa's
Answer, we do but your dog would be at a distinct disadvantage .
Customer why ?
Answer because my doberman would probably eat it if he found your dog on my sofa .
Customer oh .

thats gold

Tfacter writes...

thats gold

Thanks ,
Can you cuddle , sing , wish my dog a happy birthday , read the greeting card I will send while I am away and call my dog to the phone when I ring .
Can you walk my dog for forty minutes ? no I cannot beside the fact that I dont have the time can you afford to replace the shoes I wear out or pay me for the time it takes ?
Customer ,I think thats unreasonable .

being in customer service myself i can understand there are some right dumb moronic idiots out there

Tfacter writes...

being in customer service myself i can understand there are some right dumb moronic idiots out there

That is only a small selection of what we have to put up with sometimes and some things we are asked to do defy logic or common sense .
And the amazing thing is the publics reading skills or lack of them we have signs which say no entry or warning signs which are required by law yet for some unknown reason even a no entry sign that is six inches from their face is totally ignored .
The most amazing one yet is a woman who quiried a $15 a day bill yet took a family of five with all new gear on a ski trip to Colorado in the states for a month because the snow at Mt Buller was not good enough go figure :)

omfg. you are kidding me.. i remember once i was closing my work down for the night id already done the tills, i had no cash on me, this stupid blonde woman comes in ask for something i cant remember what i told her unless she had exact change i couldnt help.. its as if she didnt her me at all.. i give her the item and tell her i dont have the 5c. WELL what a big theif i musta been because she wasnt happy, so i did what anyone would and should do in that situation. i took the product back gave the idiot her money back and told her to leave.. i dont allow people to push me around like that.. hehe

I do the graveyard shift at a national animal center and my role is mainly to reunite missing animals and their owners. Mostly dogs, sometimes cats. I'm working now as I speak :O

Most callers would call up telling me they found a dog/cat with a green tag on it and a tag ID. I'll find out the ID and look it up on my computer, and tell the finder who owns the animal. Relieved owner, happy animal. The finder feels good about it too.

Anyway this one time a call came through at around 3AM. I picked up the phone and a bloke with the 'country' accent spoke to me.

"Good morning, this is xxxxxxxx."

"Hoi mayte, ai found a dawg heear. Whaat's der reward?"

"I'm sorry our job is to reunite missing animals with their owners. We do not give out rewards. People do it out of the kindness of their hearts." <---- I wasn't taught to say this lol. But it sounded right.

"Ohhhhhh. Oh well thannkks mayte! Ai will lett it goooow then...."

WTF lol.

The things bogans do for drugs/smokes.

adrock2xander writes...

WTF lol.

The things bogans do for drugs/smokes.

Im with you on that one, funny incident though. Considering the time..

This is the best thread ever to exist. Thankyou all very much for your hilarious stories! :D Keep it up!

omg lol funny stuff

another funny one was when i visited a mate when he was working at a servo, we where chatting away when a lady came in and asked to borrow the tyre gauge to pump them up. so he gives it to her.. so we keep talking for a few minutes and the lady comes back in and complains she cant get it to work and that her tyre is now flat. we take one look out the window and the woman hasnt moved from the bowser and was putting the tyre gauge on without a hose lol

Work in a retail shop where we do passport photos. Photos are printed on a fuji minilab.

5:32, roller door at the front is down to about 1m above the ground, lights are half off, printer is well and truly off... customer comes in under the door (like, you can't just walk under it) and starts asking about passport photos and is absolutely gobsmacked that I can't do them. Well if you want me to get all the lights on again, reboot the printer, reboot my photoshop machine... oh and the alarm that's about to go off on us.

Ummmm...

And this one, all I'll say is... "it happens"

http://lh3.ggpht.com/_d0xn77qUDn8/SYu3_NQLzzI/AAAAAAAAADU/K5ps6ytgXKM/CAMERA_BACKWARDS.jpg

gh! writes...

n all the doom and gloom I thought it would be good to post up funny things that happened in the workplace.
Ill kick it off...

I used to work in a smallish video store in a roughish neighbour hood many years ago.

so lets start
1. had a guy who would come in on a regular basis and pee in the back corner near the R rated stuff when it was busy. Always waited till it was packed.

2. talking about R rated stuff, certain blokes returned movies and we would leave them on the counter or the return shoot until they left then pick them up with anything but our hands and spray with disinfectant.

3. because of the dude peeing in corner a decent video system was installed which promptly caught 3 drug busts and a couple having sex on the pavement at the front door. All after hours, like 1, 2 in the morning. This was before you tube so no there aren't any copies.
3a. related to above sort of, dude caught on camera sticking penis through return shoot. Go figure.

4. the owner put in a pinball machine for the kids, lets just say after hours that thing got tilted.

5. New employee, 17 years old had some return a tape (yes VHS) complaining about the quality, policy was to check tape on in house system, you know tv's and sound system on the walls to play promos etc. Yes well it was a porno playing on 3 tv's.

6. Had a customer come in complaining they couldn't play the tape on their VCR, wouldn't even fit properly. Asked them to bring in the tape, and I'd check it out.
They also brought in the Machine they tried to play it on, It was a Beta....

7. almost forgot the automatic glass sliding door you know the ones that have a slight pause before opening. the amount of times stoned or drunk or just plain thick people walked straight into it expecting the new fanddangled thingymajing to open straight away like it does on star trek amazed me.

Some more about hookers wanting to pay off late fees etc but this is a family friendly show.

Edit: forgot one.

heisdeadjim writes...

Essentially, when someone is engaging you in a retail / customer relationship, it's open body language – you're interested in them, they're interested in you.

Thats very true the only time crook is interested in you is to see your patterns, reactions and evaluated you as a threat.
Some are just thick, I've actually said to some one "Smile your on camera" when I saw them paying attention to the till as I was getting change out.

MrInsane writes...

And this one, all I'll say is... "it happens"

404 error

Dude1010 writes...

7. almost forgot the automatic glass sliding door you know the ones that have a slight pause before opening.

I hate them, they are so darned slow. At my normal walking pace I have to stop and wait for them to open all the time lol

Dude1010 writes...

7. almost forgot the automatic glass sliding door you know the ones that have a slight pause before opening. the amount of times stoned or drunk or just plain thick people walked straight into it expecting the new fanddangled thingymajing to open straight away like it does on star trek amazed me

My days at Shell in UK had some fun times. 2am pissed guy walked into the door before it opened, lost his front tooth. Not concerned that evening, but did come back and ask for it the next day, and my cashier had the fore sight to keep it.

Filling the tanks one evening the driver and I smelt smoke, druggie sitting leaning against one of the tanker tyres lighting up weed. Duh, only 35 000 l of fuel in that load.

Guy walks in, uses the loo, and goes out. Cashier does her hourly loo check to find it covered floor to roof in shit.

Servo in Hamworthy, Poole, one of the 10 dodgiest estates in UK, drop dead blonde walks up to service hatch ( doors locked due to theft/problems) stark naked and asks to come in to use loo. Cashier really wants to oblige, but no can do to company policy. After 5 mins, shes peeved, and pees next to the pump, and walks off. Cops called, arrived swiftly, but never found her.

Same servo, 13 yr old kid, the local cops nightmare, steals a car a sets it on fire on the forecourt. Big flames but little damage.

Same servo, same kid, at least once a week cut the air hose, nicked the attachment, let off my fire extingushers, tried to purchase fuel, and lost count of what he stole when he sneaked in when it was busy ( he had a life ban). Parents didn't care, cops had their hands tied.

Guy reverses into 6 foot wall, knocks it down and drives off. Cops called, find him, says he never noticed.

Car pulls up, fills up and drives off. On camera, cops called, take details of number plates, tracks owner of said plates, who is manager of servo down the rd, the guys nicked his plates and put them on their car. That was amusing.

Guy walking to pay for fuel, walks over a manhole cover that was iced up, and you think superman could fly, lol.

Ohgeezx2 writes...

Though in retrospect, I do wonder why the poster of the story never mentioned calling an ambulance

why the hell would you call an ambulance if the casualty is already in hospital??

theres a funny moment for you, but not at work :D hehehe

kiplinght writes...

I do that all the time! =/ I'm always looking for cameras and things like that. I must be a crim at heart.

Same here, I've never stolen (thats a lie, as a very young kid in primary school I took a few mars bars from the local shops) but for some reason I always think that security is watching me and I feel that what ever I am doing is suspicious. Whatever I do to try and not look suspicious obviously does look suspicious. I also notice cameras very easily but I don't look at them. A little off topic sorry.

I worked at Woolworths right through high school, I wish I could remember some of the stories but it was just the same old stupid customers:
"Do you sell milk?"
I'd just say "No, try the Jewellers". Believe it or not, some then asked for directions.

For some reason, the fire brigade decided to blow up PET bottles in the parade ground as some sort of demonstration... Made one of my colleagues jump like he'd been shot!

working at kfc as a kid once had a rather large lady come in complaning loudly that the chicken was to greasy...........

MrInsane, I hear you there... We ALWAYS have people trying to come in after close... This is inside a shopping complex at least, so thankfully we have a decent buffer between us and the random yahoos that roam the streets (unlike when I worked in the city lol), but we have a regular visitor, she's a klepto and a skitzo from what I can tell (or maybe klepto and tourettes, actually I think kleptomania can be associated with tourettes?), anyhoo, I think she has a cheap-o nokia phone but she steals like samsung chargers and blackberry cases and other random stuff that's not actually useful to her :p

She's pretty harmless, we've had to call security a couple of times to retrieve items from her
but about the worst we get from her is when she turns up when the store's packed and starts talking to customers (or computers, or advertising displays, or the wall) in a loud voice, sometimes that makes customers uncomfortable lol

And then she started showing up at closing time, so we had to lower the doors to 30cm off the ground instead of a meter or so... And then she'd knock lol

I'd definitely prefer to put up with her than the crazies we had in the city store though; at least she doesn't leave messes, or wave weapons around.

MatthewQ writes...

I'd definitely prefer to put up with her than the crazies we had in the city store though; at least she doesn't leave messes, or wave weapons around.

Speaking of crazies... this actually happened AFTER work yesterday. I was on the train home from the city, and some guy jumped on at Wynyard, and sat down next to me. Now my usual after work therapy is to watch a movie on my iPod while zoning off into my own world, without having to deal with anyone.

Anyway, this guy sits right up close to me, and literally yells "OH WOW, IS THAT THE GODFATHER?!?"... I nod and quietly say yes, so he yells louder "GEEZ, I HAVEN'T SEEN THAT IN YEARS, CAN I HEAR HIS VOICE?!?! DON CARLEONE, PLEASE!!".

So I reluctantly hand him one of my ear-phones, worrying about where his ears have been, and let him listen while he jiggles with glee next to me.

Luckily, he was only 1 stop away (even though he didn't seem the type of guy to live in Milson's Point, but whatever), so I got away fairly smooth, even though the rest of carriage was giving me the look of "Poor guy..."

p.s. I really hate sharing my headphones, especially my current ones which plug right into the ear... yurgh

this isnt really humourous but sweet. doing alot of work in old peoples homes, i was looking for the switchboard in one of the electrical cubbards when i noticed an old lady kept staring at me. and when i turned my back, i turned around again to see her right next to me with a smile which then turned to sad face saying "Oh, im sorry i thought you were my son, coming to take me home".

i've also had old ladys ask me if i would like them to buy me a drink?? wtf haha.

also had old men who were probably an electrician in a past life watching over my shoulder giving tips and offering to help.

then you get the crazy wards with one lady constantly yelling "f@#$ men, all they want is to f@#$ me! that bloody michael hutchence, he gave me drugs and f@#$ed me, michael hutchence f@#$ed me! ahhhhhh" and as you could imagine, made it hard for me to continue my work.

NVeer writes...

even though the rest of carriage was giving me the look of "Poor guy..."

Not on topic, but my gawd, do I see some crazies on the trains here (Perth). There's one guy who I see all the time on the train, and now comes into my work. He has some sort of 'disability'.

One time I was on the train, listening to music. He comes up to me and starts making small talk.

Another time, I was sitting there, he comes and sits next to me, and grabs my nipple. Seriously.

I brushed him off and walked away. Ugh. I felt so violated

tterbw writes...

that bloody michael hutchence, he gave me drugs and f@#$ed me, michael hutchence f@#$ed me! ahhhhhh" and as you could imagine, made it hard for me to continue my work.

Especially if your name is Michael Hutchence.

rofl

one of the guys @ servo i worked @ had a well dressed business type that would come & fill his car up 2c over the dollar amount so as to pay $30 for $30.02 .

This time he went over to $30.03 & came into pay $30 my mate working the console made him go get 5c from his car to pay as it rounds up to $30.05 .

The guy is fuming that he always fills up to $xx.02 & never has to pay extra & yells that he wont ever come back my mate says that's allright we don't want thieves here either have a nice day .

I was working as a contracting business analyst with a government agency a few years ago and I had a new junior BA (I’ll call her Carla) assigned to one of my projects. There was an issue affecting a number of projects (mine included), so I organised a meeting with BA’s from the other projects to find a suitable resolution. I also invited Carla. She’d been with us a few weeks and I explained to her that I was keen to see her get involved as much as possible and that we all try and work as equals etc., and I pointed out that the meeting was a good opportunity to show her analytical and problem solving skills and contribute to the discussion.

Because of recent team growth, we didn’t quite have enough meeting rooms, so one end of the kitchen area would often double as a meeting room. This was the only space available, so we had it there.

About 10 mins in to the meeting we start to get to the crux of the problem and start vigorously debating different options, pros, cons, etc. Right in the middle of a key point Carla, without saying a word, stands up and walks to one of the cupboards in the kitchen. The girl making the point at the time stopped mid sentence and we all watched Carla take out a huge jar of Nutella, and gouge out a massive spoonful. She returns to the table, big blob of Nutella in hand and sits back down. The rest of us were staring at her, and she just looks at us all, says: “mmmm…. I love Nutella” and takes a big lick!

MingleII writes...

she just looks at us all, says: “mmmm…. I love Nutella” and takes a big lick!

Is this for real or have you simply substituted Nutella for Kellogg's Crunchy Nut?

PooshWaltzer writes...

Is this for real or have you simply substituted Nutella for Kellogg's Crunchy Nut?

If it had been KCN and she had said the line, it would've been better.

Rotten Ronnie writes...

The guy is fuming that he always fills up to $xx.02 & never has to pay extra & yells that he wont ever come back my mate says that's allright we don't want thieves here either have a nice day .

Now that is ridiculous. I hate people.

MingleII writes...

The rest of us were staring at her, and she just looks at us all, says: “mmmm…. I love Nutella” and takes a big lick!

LMAO, did anyone laugh at her or just go on with the meeting? I wouldn't have been able to control myself hahaha.

When I used to work in a government building in the city our power went out. Even the backup generators were down so we literally couldn't do any work and just sat around chatting until the end of our shift. Come time to leave and no elevators for us, we had to take the stairs down. The stairwell was absolutely pitch black. You could barely see a small line to make out the doors to the floors so certainly not enough light to throw onto the stairs. So we had to go down 7 flights of stairs by holding onto the railing, counting the stairs going 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-turn left, 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-turn left. I was so glad when I got out of there but felt sorry for the ones going up to start their shift. I probably would have called in sick haha.

Scene: Some years ago, large IT department. New chap, English second language but he spoke it very well.

He was doing a presentation to a client. He'd heard his colleagues use "Joe Blow", "Joe Bloggs" etc. as examples when referring to people, so his presentation included similar references. Only trouble was he'd got things a bit muddled and kept referring to "blowjobs" all the time. He had no idea why people were sniggering.

Rotten Ronnie writes...

my mate says that's allright we don't want thieves here either have a nice day .

But the guy wasn't a thief. He paid what he was charged. The hissy fit over having to pay the extra is a bit over the top, shoulda been more careful.

I work in the IT department at my local council, and from time to time we get users complaining about issues which completely baffle us, until we find out it's a typical ID10T error. Here's just one of those examples.

I received a support ticket from a user (we'll call her Sarah), requesting that a contractors phone number be added to the Microsoft Outlook global address list. She provided a screenshot as proof that there was no phone number for that contractor (like I needed it). Anyway, I added the phone number as per the request and replied to the user explaining what I'd done. Shortly thereafter, I got an email back saying there was still no phone number next to that users name. I double checked the address list to make sure it was there, which it was, and replied to the user saying so.

Before long, emails turned into phone calls. I decided to VNC her computer at this point, as there was no way the change could NOT show up in her Outlook, so I knew she was doing something weird.

It turned out, she kept referring back to the original screenshot that she sent me as proof, to see if the phone number had been updated in it. After telling the story to my colleagues, it was clear she was the n00b of the month.

tterbw writes...

working at kfc as a kid once had a rather large lady come in complaning loudly that the chicken was to greasy...........

and after they had eaten most of it too, I bet. or they would complain "it's cold" when they live a half hour drive away.

phoenixthesmeg writes...

But the guy wasn't a thief. He paid what he was charged. The hissy fit over having to pay the extra is a bit over the top, shoulda been more careful.

what he should do is get a life. at $1.20 a litre, 2c will get him 16.7cc of fuel. assuming one fill a week, and a 45 litre tank, he's going to get a free tank by 2067.

let him take the 2c of free fuel and just enjoy the fact that he's nowhere near as smart as he thinks he is.

Tfacter writes...

putting the tyre gauge on without a hose

Damn. I was holding that in reserve.

this thread is funnnyyyy as keep em coming =/

Voice in the roof:

<PING> The next train is the 9.01 City Loop, stopping all stations to Flinders Street, via the City Loop.

Customer: Is this train stopping at <insert name of station on the line>?

Me: Ma'am, it's stopping all stations.

Customer: Yes, but is it stopping at....

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

/me explodes

Couple of weeks ago, a middle aged woman comes into my work (Safeway) and for that night, i was working in the perishables department (Freezer, Dairy, etc).
She came up to me and asked me what seemed at the time a very serious question about milk. She had a full cream bottle and a Light.

She asked 'what is the difference between theses two?' I just told her that ones full cream and one is low fat. She replied 'Oh, but why do they weigh the same. Shouldnt this one(the light) wiegh less?'

I couldnt help but laugh.

The receptionist where I used to work was a nice enough kid, but not exactly the sharpest knife in the drawer....

One day she turned up to work with a new hairstyle. I was talking to a guy in a remote office and mentioned this to him. He called her up...

HIM: blah blah... like your new haircut
HER: Thanks – hey how did you know?
HIM: I can see it
HER: How?
HIM: We've got security cameras in your building – I'm watching you on the intranet now

She freaked out, dropped the phone and came sprinting up to my office to check on the cameras, how long they had been there and where they were.

Almost had her convinced the fire sensor was the camera until laughter took over.

Waffelhead writes...

She replied 'Oh, but why do they weigh the same. Shouldnt this one(the light) wiegh less?'

I would have said, 'Well I guess they're giving you some extra milk.
heers

Dave

exta writes...

Now that is ridiculous. I hate people

Work out he much money he is saving a year @ 2c a fill .

Then work out how long it takes to dribble the pump to get extra 2c .

He probably has wasted more time then the money was worth :):)

schumi07 writes...

HIM: We've got security cameras in your building – I'm watching you on the intranet now

ahahaha, thats a good one :D

The thing is, with the two cent business, the flow is cut off at the handle, when you release the trigger. So you're only getting the little skerrick in the handle itself.

I used to laugh at the fools who'd lift the hose up, thinking they were draining it out, without realising the cutoff is at the nozzle end of the hose, not the pump end.

One Christmas day, a mate of mine owned a restaurant, I was working. So he got one of his waiters to walk into the servo in full gear, and he handed me a plate with turkey, ham the works.

To top it all off: a flute of genuine French champagne. Damn that was a good lunch. I stood there serving customers with a glass of champers in my hand.

If they wanted to fire me: who cares!

dude your stories are f***** awesome.

lebronjames writes...

dude your stories are f***** awesome.

+1, funny as stories. You get a :D from me heisdeadjim.

phoenixthesmeg writes...

The hissy fit over having to pay the extra is a bit over the top, shoulda been more careful.

Or been smarter and put $30.07 in instead :)

I worked in a sports shop years ago and on queit days we would hunt butterflys with badminton rackets as they explode when you hit them .
In itself its not that funny but the look on the area managers face when he walked through the door and was confronted by eight members of staff whooping and hollering like idiots was priceless .
To attract business we would sometimes get dressed up in sports gear and walk down the street I did a female tennis player with frilly knickers and racket the manager got a wetsuit with tank and speargun and matching flippers and went fishing in a drain on the main street .
And our assistant manager who was a big hairy ex rugby player put on a leotard and head band and did exercises in front of the shop .
The only downside was that when senior managment found out they threatened to sack the lot of us even though we were doing really good business because of it .

heisdeadjim writes...

The thing is, with the two cent business, the flow is cut off at the handle, when you release the trigger. So you're only getting the little skerrick in the handle itself.
That bloke would be clicking the trigger slowly to get it to stop exactly 2c over :)

I used to laugh at the fools who'd lift the hose up, thinking they were draining it out, without realising the cutoff is at the nozzle end of the hose, not the pump end.

Me too :):):)

At one of my old jobs there was a young bloke named Phillip, and every time I saw him on a shift, I'd automatically, out of absentminded silliness and habit, start singing the old John Denver song "You fill up my senses" ('phillip' / 'fill up', get it?)

This went on for a good 9 months, and he'd just give me a funny look, then shrug and get on with his work. I thought he was marking it down to my being a goose.

Eventually his girlfriend asked me about it. It seems he had been perplexed for ¾ of a year by my persistent 'wooing', even when his girlfriend was within earshot, and eventually conned her into approaching me about it.

Of course, when I explained it was just the play on words that would start me singing, she said she had thought as much, and completely understood. We had a good laugh at the idea I'd be after him like a blatant boyfriend snatcher. She seemed tickled by the fact her BF had let his imagination / ego get the better of him, especially since I was a fair bit older than them.

After a bit of a giggle, she decided not to tell him what we'd discussed, choosing instead to let him sweat. Eventually half the staff were in on it. Bless his cotton socks!

t3h writes...

Or been smarter and put $30.07 in instead :)

But then he would've needed 5c :(

He wanted to always pay even amount that was why he was pissed off @ having to go to his car & get 5c more :)

This was in the 1990s so petrol was a lot cheaper then but it amazed me .

Also when working in that servo when it was 6c cheaper we would be flat out but as soon as someone price matched us not a customer for ages after go figure .

In one 6 hour shift i took $8k in 1st 4 hours & bugger all in last 2 hours this was pumping petrol for people .

Rotten Ronnie writes...

The guy is fuming that he always fills up to $xx.02 & never has to pay extra & yells that he wont ever come back my mate says that's allright we don't want thieves here either have a nice day .

Na it better watching them do that, then they pay by card its like why waste your time when we still charge u the $xx.02 to your card.

Casper_1987 writes...

Na it better watching them do that, then they pay by card its like why waste your time when we still charge u the $xx.02 to your card.

I really like your thinking :):)

But in those days credit cards weren't as rife as they are nowadays .

heisdeadjim writes...

to laugh at the fools who'd lift the hose up, thinking they were draining it out, without realising the cutoff is at the nozzle end of the hose

this is actually effective if you use the prepaid amount numbers on the pump. The pump cuts out at the preset amount, rather than the nozzle cut off. Some fuel is left in the hose, but the volume per metre of hose is not that great.

It is not something for nothing though, because the customer after you picks up the tab.

schumi07 writes...

She freaked out, dropped the phone and came sprinting up to my office to check on the cameras,

Reminds me when I did helpdesk support about ten years ago. When we first got remote control (sms or vnc I can't remember), one girl I was speaking to consistantly called up with 'user error' type calls. One of the first times I remote controlled her pc I remember saying something like "I bet you're a blonde aren't you?" She freaked out and was convinced there was a camera in the screen or something LOL.

I used to work at an adult store in Brisbane. One night I had two early 20's guys come in and they were looking around the store having a laugh. One of them came across a very large double ended dildo and decided he had to have it as he loved the novelty of it. He paid for it at the counter and immediately took it out of packaging. He then turned to his mate and asked him to hold his arms above his head which his mate did, took an almighty swing with it and belted his friend across the ribs. As soon as he hit his friend it bounced back off the friend and hit him straight in the testicles. Both of them were rolling around on the ground in front of my counter with me laughing my head off at them. Made a boring night just a little better.

Have a couple that springs to mind:

Working in IT support fixing problems right left and centre mainly with client and server side issues. On one day I got these 2 gems.

One was that the keyboard stopped working, so dropped by this lawyers office and yeah it was not working (wireless keyboard). Made sure it was plugged in via usb for the reciever and then asked them to go get some batteries for it. Got it working, they were happy and the Indian wife of the owner asked what was the problem. I said the batteries were flat. She looked at me confused thinking there was no batteries, but in most people would click that seeing a device without a cable attached to it would be powered by batteries..

Second job in the same day was at an engineers firm, boat design etc. Was there for something to do with the server or something and one of the workers heard I was there. He comes in and explains that Windows will no longer boot on his system and has boot issues misisng files etc. So I asked him if he did anything to it like change config etc. He said oh I spilt some beer on the keyboard and iam like err what? So I say you might be able to fix it via recovery from Windows disk but I do not like your chances. He then asks me if insurance would cover it and I try not to grin and say as long as you do not say you spilt beer into it you have a good chance. Luckily it was a personal laptop not a work one.

More to come as I think about them.

My brother thinks I should publish a book with all the crazy stories I have from work. I work in a phone store, so we get quite a few, shall we say, "unusual" individuals. For example:

Today a woman came into the store in a panic. She said, "HELP ME MY PHONE'S NOT WORKING."
I told her to give me the phone, and asked, "What exactly is it doing?"
She said, "IT'S NOT DOING ANYTHING HELP!"
So I took the phone, and...

...I turned it on.

Worked for a motorcycle repair centre and a guy who had been bugging the life out us about his almost brand new Suzuki with tales of woe and accelaration issues for weeks decided to decoke the engine .
To decoke an engine we used to put a shot of redex in the petrol and run it for about a week or so and for the most part it did the trick but matey was just not satisfied and my boss was getting a bit tired of all the complaints so asked me to deal with him.
So I told the guy to put the bike on its stand and put two housebricks under it and weigh the front of the bike down then take a common or garden hose and put it up one of the exhausts .
Not thinking that anyone could be that dumb I thought he would get the message and go elsewhere but true to his current form he asked how it would help .
I told him that switching the hose on and waiting for clear water to run out of the other exhaust would do the trick I could not believe it when two days later he rang to tell me that he could not get the bike restarted as there was still water in the engine .
My rather sarcastic remark cost him quite a bit of money to strip the engine and clean out all the gunk and trying to tell him it was only a joke nearly cost me my job but it was worth it he finally went to another dealer .

jacksbac1 writes...

My rather sarcastic remark cost him quite a bit of money to strip the engine and clean out all the gunk

I feel sorry for him!

Victory Is Mine writes...

I feel sorry for him!

I dont , the guy was a moaner who never stopped complaining and would appear almost daily to complain about almost anything even though there was nothing wrong with his bike .
In the motor trade time is money and though we offered warranty conditions on all bikes we sold there comes a point when enough is enough and most dealers have trouble with people who for reasons known only to themselves whinge and carry on .
If a customer is reasonable or behaves resonably you try to help them thats the job but ranters and ravers get short shrift when they behave badly towards staff .
As the guy who built the bike in the first place my professional opinion was being questioned by a bloke who not only knew nothing about his purchase but could barely ride the bike .
I had road tested the bike on as many as five occasions and found nothing wrong with it but matey would not believe me so what could I do all dealers of motor vehicles get this problem from time to time and getting rid of constant moaners is part of the job.

I worked as a Pizza Chef at an Italian Restaurant while going through Uni. This involved training a few people which weren't the sharpest tools in the shed.

Anyway I was training this guy who had worked a few shifts and we got an order which had little cheese for one of the pizzas. So I told him he needed to go down to the back of the restaurant to the cool room to find the little cheese so we could put it on the pizza.

He went down the back for a bit and came back up after the Head Chef had laughed at him and told me to get back to making pizzas.

I work in a computer retail shop.

One day a few months ago:

Customer: Can you make that $50.
Me: no sir, we don't make enough money on that to give you 50% discount.
Customer: Okay, give me a discount then.
Me: I can't, there is no profit margin.
Customer: Can I have your stapler then.
Me: ...

He wasn't kidding about the stapler. The guy drove a BMW.

Rillanon writes...

He wasn't kidding about the stapler. The guy drove a BMW.

hahahaha did you give it to him ?

I was filling in some matrix describing applications we worked with. One column was titled 'Language', and I was like '1 of course, which company has so much free time to programme in French/German?'

I'll leave it at that.

Working at a servo that, rarely, still had a workshop attached.

Lady comes in, looks about eleven months pregnant. Enquires as to when she could get the baby capsule fitted properly. So I ask her when she's due.

"Last week" came the reply. Hence the "eleven months" comment, she was literally ready to pop.

I commented that the mechanic was really really busy, but considering the time frame I'll see if I can get him to hurry it up.

Then I say "or else, if we take too long, we'll be fitting the baby into the capsule at the same time"

She cracks up, and is saying, "Oh, don't make me laugh, it may just happen!" so we're both roaring with laughter. My manager hears the commotion and comes out, first thing he sees was a very pregnant woman with her face all red, and you can guess where his mind went.

So we had to assure him that, no, we were not about to immediately increase the customer count in the store by one, and had to explain the scenario. By then he's got a bit of a chuckle happening, too.

We arrange the fitting there and then, the mechanic was able to change what he's going to get the job done.

After she's paid the fee, I say, "well after this, we'll just need to see the result when the kid arrives!"

And the woman says, no problem, and leaves.

I think nothing of it, until, just over a week later, she turns up with the brand new baby.